I learned from their documentary on Netflix that this started as a poem written by Tionne “T-Boz.”
Title: Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life
Author: Dr. Thomas Jordan, Ph.D
Print Length: 132 pages
Publisher: Book Baby
Publication Date: December 16, 2019
In Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life, clinical psychologist Dr. Thomas Jordan Ph.D., outlines several ways couples can improve their love lives. He shows from a “psychological blueprint” how those previous experiences of love have shaped our current understanding in relationships going as far back as birth. He uses his personal life experience to show how what we learn in our family “shapes our experience of interpersonal reality when we become adults.” (Jordan, 92) Dr. Jordan challenges readers to identify what they’ve learned, challenge what they’ve learned, and then try something new. As you can tell, Dr. Thomas’ explanations are easy-to-understand, and his examples are clear and concise.
One of the most important points he makes is about learned beliefs, behavior, and feelings. Jordan asserts, for example, that if what we’ve learned about love was unhealthy growing up, we will unknowingly, somewhat subconsciously, repeat what was unhealthy in our adult relationships. The key here is what you believe about love relationships will shape your experience. Suppose someone taught you to think relationships are dishonest because you experienced dishonesty growing up. If you are not aware of this learned belief and have not made changes, chances are your current relationships will recreate dishonesty and generate a feeling that someone is deceptive.
This same thing can apply if you’ve felt Abandonment (loss), Exploitation (used), Abuse (fearful), Mistrust (suspicious), Controlled (trapped), Neglect (deprived), Dependency (needy), and Rejection (rejected). According to Dr. Jordan, these are among the ten unhealthy traits we learn and unconsciously recreate in our love relationships if we have not healed from them. Another critical detail Dr. Jordan makes is about how we become defensive to avoid being vulnerable.
It is the vulnerability that allows people to get to know us better because we have let them “in.” People shy away from opening up in this way because one cannot be vulnerable without risking unintentional hurt from time to time. What is meant by “unintentional?” There will inevitably be differences between you and the person you are in a relationship with, disagreements, different perspectives, opinions, etc. These differences are inevitable. There is no escaping it. According to Dr. Thomas, one cannot be in love without feeling unintentional hurt based on differences.
So then, why is “falling in love” worth it? Dr. Thomas has an interesting answer: Because we all have a natural ability to heal. The risk of falling in love is more tolerable and less stressful when we believe in our innate ability to heal. “If hurt leads to loss, we can grieve, heal our hearts, and move on.” (Jordan, 55)
We can avoid pain altogether by not opening up, but being defensive in relationships interferes with our ability to give and receive love. Dr. Thomas notes that love as an emotion is unpredictable and uncontrollable; hence, we “fall in love,” the connotation is that we have lost control. Because of losing control, we risk getting hurt. We avoid this hurt in attempting to achieve a love relationship without being vulnerable, which is not possible.
“Vulnerability is the emotional experience that shows you are open to giving and receiving love.” – Dr. Thomas Jordan
This understanding took me back to the 80/20 rule. It is a lot to expect to receive 100% good from one person because we all have trauma and baggage from our life experiences we carry with us. Even in an emotionally healthy and stable individual, you still might only get 80% of what you consider beautiful traits, if that. Can you live with that person’s twenty percent, or is this person’s twenty percent unbearable/intolerable? Based on your conscious awareness of your own flaws and strengths, combined with their weaknesses and strengths, what can you realistically tolerate in a love relationship? What flaws can you live with (accept)?
My only issue with this book is the opening section detailing what the book would be about. I found it unnecessary and thought the author would do well to jump right in. However, the author made up for it with the breakdown of healthy relationship experiences at the end! I think that tied things up well. These healthy traits are the opposite of the unhealthy list I mentioned earlier: Attachment, Respect, Freedom, Independence, Honesty, Consideration, Trust, Devotion, Acceptance, and Intimacy.
Anyone, single or married, disappointing love life or not, can learn how to heal by learning to love themselves, starting with being consciously aware of toxic patterns.
Strong Introduction: 4/5
Authenticity / Believable: 5/5
Thought Provoking: 5/5
Solid Conclusion: 5/5
Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life is available now on Amazon!
My book review* registry is OPEN. To learn more about my registry be sure to visit the Blog Book Review Policy page here.
*Note that poetry books and Non-Fiction books will have a different rating system than fiction books.
At the start of this month, my family and I took a three-city road trip. We picked up my mom-in-law from Memphis, visited some family in Louisiana, and headed down to Houston to see more family. Then, we headed back down to Memphis to close the weekend. We had a great time laughing and eating greasy chicken and enjoying each other’s company, old school style. I did not take many pictures; I did not post many pictures. I just wanted to refresh without social media’s input. I wanted to bask in my mother-in-law’s laughter and joke around with Dad. I wanted to hold babies and scold children. I got to talk to a horse too. I don’t think he was in the mood for conversation, though. It was hot, and my little cousins were annoying him in the way children do. We exchanged a few looks, murmured a few words, and each went about our way.
I still checked in on my social media, but I held back from posting myself. But then something happened as it often does when I step back. I didn’t want to come back! Even after we returned home, I decided to take a few more days off to sit back and reflect on myself. Often when I do this, I notice something pretty amazing: there is movement in stillness. Sometimes when we are doing nothing, we feel like nothing gets done, but actually, everything is getting done! As soon as we relinquish the need to control every outcome, things can move along as they were naturally intended to without us getting in the way. It’s like standing in a room with your eyes closed and not doing anything as the objects in the room start to move and position themselves around you. It is magical the way things line up when we embrace the quiet. Here are a few things that unfolded when I removed myself:
- I received confirmation to move forward with the project I have been working on in the background for almost two years now. I will talk more about FAPA: From Aspiring to Published Author in a separate post.
- I started work on a new collection of poetry I am calling My Soul is a Witness. I will talk more about this in a separate post
- I have been trying to get into audiobooks for a while now. I tried once with Renaissance but the narrator couldn’t go through with the project due to family issues. I put Even Salt Looks Like Sugar up on ACX and opened it to auditions. I also forgot about it. Over my break, however, I received three new auditions from narrators who read my sample script for Even Salt Looks Like Sugar, culminating in a total of six auditions. Yep, you heard me right, SIX!
- I am Soul, received two new reviews. Those of you who are Indie Authors know how exciting that is as reviews are often hard to come by.
- Even Salt Looks Like Sugar received one new review with the invitation to possibly do a signing or reading for the organization Sagacious Women of Business this fall.
- The poetry contest got more submissions and email subscribes.
Nourish Your Root System
The part of the plant that grows below the ground are called roots. The main function of the root is to anchor the plant in the soil, to absorb the water and minerals from the soil and prevent soil erosion. There are different roots and root systems. There are tap roots that grow down into the ground and fibrous roots that grow out in all directions underground and looks like a bush. The difference is that tap roots are deeply rooted and fibrous roots are scattered and not that deep. Most weeds are under the fibrous system. It’s easier to uproot and transplant plants under the fibrous system than it is to uproot plants under the tap root system.
If much of the root system is destroyed, a portion of the leaves and branches will die. And if we repeatedly remove the leaves from a tree, some of its roots will die because it connects the leaves on the trees to the tree’s roots. The fruits on a tree are also directly connected to the tree’s roots. The growth of a tree’s roots requires a nourishing of the entire tree itself and when done properly, a strong tree is not easily uprooted by strong storms.
- What is unseen (roots) must be healthier, stronger than what is seen (branches / leaves)
Work is not just about the physical act of doing something or what we see on the surface. It is not just about posting to social media every day, or blogging twice a week. What is unseen (our hearts, intent, character) directly affects what we see (how we interact, speak, what we produce). The root system of any tree needs to be as wide if not wider than the branches. Meaning what is below (unseen) must match (or even outmatch) what is above or what we see on the surface and if it doesn’t, the tree will fall over and die with the first bad storm.
The most significant work is the work we do on ourselves behind closed doors (unseen), how we nourish our root system. This “Soul Work,” as many deem it, is necessary for business growth and personal growth because how we feel about ourselves directly affect everything around us. It affects who we commit to in relationships and friendships, how we run our businesses, how we establish or do not create boundaries, and how we treat and interact with others. It is not about some pseudo-revolutionary Self-Care Social Media Movement. It is not about putting ourselves on pedestals and becoming a lover of self in the arrogant and cocky sense. Self-care is about recognizing and acknowledging that nourishing the root system of our lives will determine the quality of the fruit we will eventually produce. This nourishment could mean:
- Fasting from food
- Fasting from Social Media
- Stepping back, taking breaks from work
- Meditating, reading, thinking
- Crying when we need to
- Talking when we need to
- Being silent when we need to
- Writing (non-business related)
What are some ways you nourish your root system? What keeps you grounded? Comment below!
Don’t forget to preorder
Keep Yourself Full in ebook below!
Free with Kindle Unlimited
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WANT TO READ ON GOODREADS
(This book will be available in ebook and paperback
Keep Yourself Full is a spiritual handbook that focuses on our return to self-love. It is a reminder that self-care nourishes the quality of our lives and makes us fit to be of service to others. Through my testimony, I give examples of how we self-abuse and how that differs from self-love, why it is essential not to take things so personally, why we must establish and enforce healthy boundaries, and how assumptions kill relationships. We learn that by investing in our well-being spiritually, physically, mentally, and professionally, we can be of service fully to others. It cannot be ignored that we treat others how we feel about ourselves. When we realize that what we do to others, we are equally doing to ourselves, we can use this awareness to heal. By treating ourselves better, we treat others better. Keep Yourself Full is about keeping ourselves filled with love and all that is good so that we are overflowing with enough to share with everyone else.
3rd Annual Poetry Contest: Time is seriously flying by. August will be here before you know it! If you have not already, be sure to enter this year’s contest BEFORE August 1st!
Click here or the hyperlink above to learn how to enter
Sometimes I wax my eyebrows
and sometimes I don’t
Sometimes I re-twist my hair
and sometimes I won’t
depend on how the wind blows
I may just paint my toes
it really just depends on whatever feels good to my soul
I’m not the average girl from your video
and my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
no matter what I’m wearing I will always be
Ayee lol 🎤💃👀
How does it make you feel
to see someone
to hear them poison their mouth
with self-hate language
or disrespect their soul
does not your intestines cringe
do they not wrap themselves around the wrongness there
the diseased spirit of a person defeated
does not your stomach turn into knots
does not the human in you cry out
if you were outside your own body
and observing yourself
poisoning your mouth with self-hate language
and disrespecting your soul with insecurities
do your intestines cringe?
do they wrap themselves around the wrongness there?
do you recognize the diseased spirit of a person defeated?
does your stomach turn into knots?
when you are self-hating yourself
does the human in you
It’s National Poetry Month!!
Grab your copy of I am Soul for just 99cents in ebook for the entire month of April. Want a paperback? The Nubian bookstore signing is next week! (4/12) Be sure to stop by for a signed paperback copy and save on shipping. Meet me in person and let’s take pictures and stuff!
We had a private cover war going on in my email list, where I asked my audience to choose between my original cover for Keep Yourself Full and a new concept I was thinking about. Almost everyone chose the new concept and together we decided to switch it up. For those of you who don’t know, I did a similar thing with I am Soul. The original cover is still up on Goodreads, while the new concept (the one loved by everyone!) is the black woman rocking the fro you can see on the amazon page, except, I didn’t have to ask which was better. I knew, without doubt, the new version of I am Soul was much, much better and readers agreed. (I love this about Indie Publishing! Total creative control.)
For Keep Yourself Full, I loved the simplicity of the original cover and the water. Water is deep enough to cleanse you yet gentle enough to quench your thirst, and still powerful enough to destroy you. Water is powerful. The new cover certainly popped more but I was concerned the flower didn’t communicate as powerfully as the water. We are talking about keeping yourself full after all, and when you think of this you instantly think, water. In the end, we chose the new concept. Here’s a snippet on why (after much thought and prayer) I decided on the new cover.
Publication Date: Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Publisher: Literary Korner Publishing
Author: Yecheilyah Ysrayl
Target Audience: This book is perfect for young men and women 18-45 struggling with low self-esteem/worth, depression; Bible believers looking to be encouraged and motivated from a spiritual perspective, readers of Self-Help/Inspirational Non-fiction, lovers of inspiring quotes, poetry and books focused on self-love and self-care.
Keep Yourself Full is a spiritual handbook that focuses on our return to self-love. It is a reminder that self-care nourishes the quality of our lives and makes us fit to be of service to others. Through my own personal testimony, I give examples of how we self-abuse and how that differs from self-love, why it is important not to take things so personally, why we must establish and enforce healthy boundaries, and how assumptions kill relationships. We learn that by investing in our well-being spiritually, physically, mentally, and professionally we can be of service fully to others. It cannot be ignored that we treat others how we feel about ourselves. When we realize that what we do to others we are equally doing to ourselves, we can use this awareness to heal. By treating ourselves better, we treat others better. Keep Yourself Full is about keeping ourselves filled with love and all that is good so that we are overflowing with enough to share with everyone else.
COMING JULY 16, 2019
the fact that everything is a movement now
like the importance of self-love didn’t exist
before Instagram memes
like healing is a status update
like self-care ain’t a journey but a tweet
like healing ain’t a process but words we hang
on our Facebook walls
and pretend we ain’t cover trauma in hashtags
I see healing differently
mistakes are opportunities
failure is strength
and self-love and healing is a process
paths that we aren’t always sure to take
we become masters of ourselves
only to begin again
like a battle we don’t know if we’ve won yet
a journey, healing is
and we master the parts of ourselves
until there are no more apologies
in our throats
until everything we do doesn’t sound like
until we value ourselves like we do
likes on a post
until burden ain’t heavy no more
cause we learned how to carry it
until we no longer carry it
until we’ve struggled so long
we don’t know what quitting is