No Whining Wednesday – Growth Isn’t Always What You Can See

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Welcome back to another episode of No Whining Wednesday! Today, you cannot whine, criticize, or complain.

If you are new to this blog or new to this segment please visit the NWW page here for past episodes.

Today’s inspiring word is about growth:

I’ve heard growth several times this week and the one message that stuck with me is this one.

“Growth isn’t always what you can see.”

While I love that people realize the importance of self-love these days, social media can make that look like a fairy tale. People start to make money and travel, and then they post pictures of themselves living their best life and caption it something about self-love. This can give the impression loving on yourself is only luxury. 

But self-love is not all glamorous. It is not manicures and pedicures and vacations to Ghana. That can be a form of self-care, but self-love includes:

  • Acknowledging your own crap
  • Setting Boundaries
  • Discipline
  • Forgiveness
  • Saying No
  • Speaking Up
  • Seeking therapy 
  • and more (add them here)

People have gone so far as to say they are not humble because “humility is thinking low of oneself.” A lot of this “self-love” on the internet is really just arrogance masquerading as growth.

What I have noticed is growth is being promoted as this outward, physical thing. Growth can be outward. We do not have the same bodies as adults we had as children because our bodies grow and expand as we age. 

But a twelve-year-old with a twenty-year-old body still has the mind of a twelve-year-old.

And a sixteen-year-old who reads and counts at the level of a ten-year-old would be considered for a learning disability.

These examples show growing outwardly is not enough. 

Outward growth is expansion. Inward growth is depth. 

Root vegetables like carrots, potatoes, and beets don’t look like much outwardly because they grow underground. Peanuts also grow underground.

We can also see this by looking at the tree in general. Its branches stretch wide with leaves and fruit, and it’s beautiful.

But if that tree is not rooted in the soil, it will be blown away by the weakest storm.

No matter how beautiful the tree has expanded on the outside, the tree doesn’t stand a chance if its roots have not grown deep below.

Just because you do not physically see the growth does not mean it’s not happening.

Unfinished

Photo by Carlos Quintero on Unsplash

Would you still love me

If I told you instead of making mistakes, I made choices

that clawed its way into my conscious

Would it frighten you

to know being hit by a car isn’t my only accident

and a surgical staple isn’t the only thing

I’ve been shot with

Would it shock you

if I said, I am not always acting like a queen

Could I be honest

about the weight of this crown

What if I confessed my sins in ink

washed my hands of transgression on paper

Is it okay if I sacrifice my body to this poem?

Purify my mind and kill my pride

by lynching my secrets to this tree

transform this test into a testimony

take this trial and morph it into some kind of triumph

some kind of victory like the overcoming of flesh

forged in a fire for the overcoming of death

Would you still admire me

If you knew about the parts of me that aren’t admirable

Add me

to your list of humans humble enough to admit

we encounter defeat

but strong enough not to be defeated

We are not diminished

Maybe just a little

unfinished


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It’s Okay to Begin Again

I have not been as active on this blog as I need to, but know if you see me less, that’s because I’m doing more!

Although I have not published much, I have a bit I am working on, including a new potential author client preparing to release her book (throws invisible confetti), part two to #TWWBE (Yep. Surprise), the anthology for Black History Fun Fact Friday, and tons of articles sitting in my drafts, waiting to be picked to go next.

Poor babies. Mommy has not forgotten you. I hope to get part two of Signs You Are Not Ready to Self-Publish out this week, time permitting.

Today, I want to give you an update remixed with a lesson I’ve learned in the process.

I am starting over with my email list, and I am deleting my Business Facebook page at the close of this year.

I have had the same author email list since 2015, and hard as it was for me to accept, I don’t have the same audience. Much has changed between then and now.

I received good email opens but very little engagement. It started to feel like people were watching me, although they were no longer interested in what I had to offer. I got little feedback which made drafting and sending emails less fun. I was also getting a lot of spam sign-ups. That’s when I knew it was time for a change.

This morning, I deleted everyone from the old list* except for the two people who emailed me a reply to say they are interested in being on the new list.

*This is not my poetry list, but my general author list. If you are subscribed to the poetry list, you are good!

I started to backtrack, though. Building an author email list isn’t easy, and neither was deleting over four hundred emails I’ve worked hard to accumulate over the years. I started to send one final email asking people to reply if they are interested in being added to the new list.

Then, I realized this was an excuse to hold on a bit longer.

The truth is the interested people had already told me as such, and I had to accept that.

It is also true quality will always be better than quantity.

In the end, it didn’t matter how many people were signed up. What mattered was who was engaging. How is it only two people replied to me? I decided this was unacceptable.

I also decided to change my strategy. It is not lost on me my part in this. I’ve struggled with my list for some time, and I hope to become better at it.

And instead of deleting my email list altogether, I am starting over. I still believe in the value of the author’s email list, especially in light of how many people have their social media pages deleted.

The lesson can be summed up in the following quote:

“You get to change your mind about things that are no longer aligned with or supportive of your growth.”

– Alex Elle

Simply put, it’s okay to begin again.


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Overcoming the Anxiety to Show Up: A Message to Introverted Indie Authors

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I am from Chicago, where kids paid close attention to the shoes you were wearing after winter break.

Everybody was checking to see who was wearing something new. See, in the hood where money is scarce, you got your best clothes and shoes around Christmas, so when kids come back from break, everybody is looking to see what you got on.

I walked into my eighth-grade classroom with my all-blue suede Timbs (what we called Timberland boots), and I didn’t like the way everyone’s eyes noticed them.

The same thing happened in High School.

I grew up poor and didn’t start wearing name-brand shoes until the second round of sixth grade. While I loved Air Force Ones, I had never owned a pair of Jordans.

It wasn’t until High School I owned a pair and joined the other “cool” kids and experienced what it was like to sit on the pedestal of those who wore Jordans.

And I didn’t like it.

I wished I hadn’t worn those shoes. I liked them a lot, but I didn’t like the attention they garnered. I also didn’t like being like everyone else. I quickly realized I wasn’t a Jordan-wearing type of person. As I got older, I learned I am not all that into gym shoes (sneakers if you are not from the Chi) in general. I wear them, and I have them (and I like looking at the different styles), but my personal style is more casual.

But anyway, those Jordans were my first and only pair.

Here’s the truth:

I don’t like the spotlight. Despite what I do for a living, I am not an “out there in front” kind of person, and I get embarrassed easily because I’m shy.

Just as Moses did not want to go to the Pharaoh and tell him to let his people go at first, I do not always want to show up.

But at some point, Moses had to obey the voice that spoke to him and fulfill his purpose which is why I show up despite the quiver in my chest.

Maya Angelou said courage is the most important of all virtues because, without courage, you cannot practice any other virtue consistently.

You can’t be consistently kind or loving, or generous. You can be these things for a time, but not consistently because there is no endurance without courage.

When the threat is too much, you will quit if not for courage. So, while everyone is afraid, those who are courageous go on despite the fear.

“I do what I hate to do, but I do it like I love it. That’s discipline.”  Mike Tyson

What Tyson isn’t saying:

Settle for a life that does not bring you joy.

What Tyson is saying:

Even while doing what you love, there will be moments where you have to be disciplined to accomplish a goal, and this won’t be fun, but it will be worth it.

Quick Tips.

Stop Predicting What Other People Are Thinking

I am pretty sure we are all guilty of this!

The biggest stumbling block to showing up is thinking about what other people would think of you. We make up these stories in our head about what we expect to happen and what we think other people are thinking.

Tell yourself a different story than the one in your head.

People do love you and think about you often.

Readers do want to read your book, and they do care about your story.

People want to hear from you more than you think.

You do matter.

I mean, I know you’re a genius and all that, but you can’t predict what people are thinking. You just cannot do that to yourself.

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“But I don’t want people to think…”

This is a phrase we should all work to eliminate from our vocabulary, and I admit, I have work to do myself. When we say things like this, we are expecting a response that may or may not even be real.

“I don’t want to post about my book because I don’t want people to think ________.”

If you don’t tell people about it, how are they supposed to know it exists? What about this instead:

“I am so excited to tell people about my new book!”

I notice the more I am excited about something, the more excited the people around me are. Take the smile test for example.

Look at someone and smile. I bet you they are going to smile back. If they are extra silly like me, they might even laugh. Then you will laugh, and neither of us knows what’s funny.

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One of my favorite quotes is:

“What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”

Anticipate the best possible outcome instead of the worst.

Release the Need to Know.

Trying to control the outcome is like trying to catch the wind. Get excited about what you don’t know and all the possibilities of a new experience. You don’t need to know the outcome to start.

You Don’t Have to Say Yes to Everything.

You don’t have to drink from every cup handed to you. That’s how you get poisoned. You are only required to accept those things that speak to your soul, nothing more and nothing less. If it does not set your soul on fire, you don’t have to do it.

This, saying no, is more than turning down offers, although that’s important too. Saying no is also about not feeling obligated to do what everyone else is doing, think as everyone else is thinking, or move how everyone else moves.

Saying no is not wearing Jordans if you really don’t like them.

Another quick story.

In my early teens, fifteen-sixteen-ish, my brother spray-painted hats and t-shirts for the neighborhood. He did stuff like this all the time because he’s an amazing artist. He even designed clothing for the entire cheerleading team. Anywho, my brother spray-painted my and my sisters’ and cousin hats to match our shirts. That’s how I got into wearing hats that summer. Eventually, my sisters and cousin let go of the hat thing, but I would still wear mine even at school. My twin thought I looked like a boy, but I wasn’t a tomboy. I just liked the hat.

My High School Pen Pal Program. Me in front, rocking my spray-painted hat and a blue long-sleeve underneath my short sleeve because I was cold, lol.

Saying no is also about not denying a part of yourself because of what other people think.

This means knowing ourselves well enough to know what we want and don’t want.

Sometimes, we accept things we don’t like, things that are not inherently us, and things we are not comfortable with because we don’t know ourselves, and that’s another discussion altogether.

Attachment-1

It can be hard to show up when you are naturally more laid back and reserved, but I challenge you to push yourself. The best way to get used to doing something is to get out there and do it, and the more you do that thing, the easier it’ll be.

And being an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean that you are shy, although many shy people are introverted. 

I took an online quiz before posting this. My results say I am an introvert (not surprised) with the following traits:

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  • You crave alone time. Having time to think, private space, and quiet time helps you feel rested and whole.
  • People can drain you. Even the most well-meaning people can pull a lot out of you. You can absolutely do social situations; they just take a lot of energy.
  • When socializing, you like to observe before partaking. You like to think before you speak and have one-on-one conversations rather than speaking in groups.

You can take your own quiz at: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/introvert/  (And it’s free)


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“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

– Marianne Williamson


The Women with Blue Eyes: Rise of the Fallen is here! CLICK HERE TO GRAB YOUR COPY!

The Women with Blue Eyes: Rise of the Fallen is LIVE

The Women with Blue Eyes: Rise of the Fallen is live!

About.

When Tina’s nephew, Ronnie is killed, she is left to care for his siblings and to solve a series of mysterious murders involving only black men. Investigating each murder thrusts her and her team into a world of deities, demons, and fallen angels, leading Tina to battle a serial killer beyond this realm.


“Paschar walked with confidence and held her head high as she moved her hips from side to side. Red was her most favorite color to wear with this skin. Something about the hue against this dark body is so different from her true form and more comfortable to navigate the Earth. Who wanted to be invisible to humans when it was easier to seduce them in the skin of a beautiful black woman? Passersby, men and women alike, looked, and Paschar smiled. They always stared. Humans were fascinated by blue, crystal pupils against such brown, creamy skin. In real life, Pas thought human bodies were disgusting. She hated the soft, gooeyness of the flesh, how it bruised and bled so quickly, how it fell apart and crumbled with each passing day. She hated the rotting meat on the bone, but she did come to love dark skin tones. Other pigments didn’t make her heart beat like melanin.”

– From Chapter 7, The Women with Blue Eyes: Rise of the Fallen

“Tina walked out of the door as her body trembled. She knew Big Sam had blue eyes, and Ronnie’s death was no accident. They had murdered her nephew, were back, and killing again.”

– From Chapter 3, The Women with Blue Eyes: Rise of the Fallen

We sold out of signed paperbacks on the site, but no worries! You can still order a paperback from Amazon. The next round of signed copies will be restocked soon! Be sure to bookmark my website below so you don’t miss it!

Introduce Yourself: Introducing Guest Author Amanda Boyd

Please help me extend a warm welcome to Amanda Boyd.

Welcome to the PBS Blog!


What is your name and where are you from?

My name is Amanda Boyd, and I am a lover of erotic literature. I’m a passionate reader of this genre as well as an Indie author and blogger. I spent my childhood in California and then had the opportunity to spend my 20’s in Europe. This was an awesome experience and taught me a lot about different cultures and the way we as a society can live our lives. However, as the United States was and will ever be my home country, I came back some years ago, and I’m now living with my family again in California. So I would say I’m an American Girl with a global background.

What state or country do you never want to go back to?

I was once on holiday in Sharm-El-Sheik, Egypt after an exam session during my time at the University. So I was young, single and a little short of money and therefore went to a rather cheap hotel. The whole week was pure stress: as soon as I left my hotel room, people started to either pitch some cheap stuff to me or tried to flirt with me in a really cheap way. I felt really uncomfortable the whole week and after about two days, I didn’t leave my room anymore.

So my association with Egypt is unfortunately really bad. But I want to be clear here: I really think that there are awesome places and people also in Egypt. I know people who love to go there and always had a great time. Maybe I had just bad luck or that some aspects of the culture there does not fit to my personal values

I would love to visit Egypt one day. Amanda, does blogging help you to write?

Blogging does really help me writing my own stories. The section of my blog where I write about my favorite books helps me as those authors are clearly role models for me. On the other hand, I also do interviews with other authors. These interviews range from debut authors like Kuristien Elizabeth to already established and successful authors like H.L. Swan. The interviews provide inspiration in the sense that I can exchange with other authors and share thoughts about their sources of inspiration, their challenges as authors, and how they stay motivated.

Let’s talk about writing. When did you publish your first book? What was that like?

I published my first short story in September 2020. It was a huge relief and experience. The journey to publishing my first story was long and challenging. I wrote stories for years for myself and really close friends, but to overcome self-doubts that people won’t like your work or maybe ignore it was a long process. To be honest, it takes courage to publish your work! If you fail, you also fail publicly, so I have great respect for every author who accepts all the challenges in order to become a published author! 

The story is about a young woman named Veronica, who is the daughter of a business founder and owner. The men around her are nothing but oversized boys, without serious thoughts yet toward their futures. Their pick-up lines and cheesy attempts at romance do nothing for her, so singlehood is a constant in her world. That is until she is touring her father’s company and meets Mark Grier. Her father’s successful, gorgeous right hand is older than her, but there is something obvious between them from the first handshake.

Why is writing important to you?

First of all, writing is a passion. I just love to do it. That’s why I wrote a lot before starting to publish. Writing fiction always gives you the opportunity to create something. You can shape your own world, develop characters and when you’re really into the writing process, you can more or less just let these characters act in scenarios you design for them. This process is most fascinating for me.

Secondly, sometimes when writing you enter into a writing flow. In this state, a story just evolves in front of you. It’s a state in which you are fully focused on your story and nothing else can disturb you. It’s kind of a meditative condition.

Meditative condition. I’ve never heard of it said that way before. Good stuff. 

Can you tell us more about the genre you write?

I write steamy and erotic romance. I’m a sensual as well as sensitive person, so human interaction and attraction always fascinated me and still does. At least, in my opinion, there is no better feeling than those moments in your love life, when you lose control and just let your love and attraction for your partner flow. I’m not a sex addict, but these moments are pure freedom as you don’t care about any norms or rules and just let your emotions carry you. To put it short, love stories and the sensual parts of a love story between two people fascinate me.

What takes up too much of your time?

I think if I’m honest, it’s procrastination. I think we all suffer from this phenomenon. However, I tried to implement some routines which help me overcome internal barriers. But to be honest with you they don’t always work as efficiently as I wish.

What advice would you give your younger self?

Stay true and pursue your goals, but do it in a clever way. This means focusing on the most important things, trying to do them as good as you can, and listening to the advice of people who already solved similar challenges in their lives. And believe me, almost every problem one can have in life has been solved before. So it is crucial to try to connect to the right people, people who motivate you and do not tear you down.

Life is not always pretty. We all experience hardship every now and again. What is your best advice for reducing stress?

I don’t want to compare my « sort of stress » to those other people in the world have to handle. If one lives in a nice house or flat and has everything in one’s hand for daily life, you can be happy. Especially if you then have a bunch of lovely family members and really good friends too.

What if someone has a nice home/flat and  friends and everything at their fingertips, but they still aren’t happy? What advice would you give this person for finding that sense of fulfillment?

I would go with Monthy Python😊: “Always look on the bright side!” Sometimes we as human beings forget to look at the really good things in life and tend to just focus on the problems. I would suggest that they go on a walk and think about all the good things that have happened to them. And think about the hardships they had to overcome in order to achieve what they now have. So every time I have a hard time or a lot to do, I try to see these things. I have everything I truly need in my life! Everything else is just the icing on the cake.

I love that answer, an attitude of gratitude.

What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

Oh, you mean besides buying some lottery tickets😊?

You right, Hahaha

I think I would do the same as I do today. There is a saying in Europe, “the route is the goal.” I can only be proud of an achievement if I had to overcome some challenges and hardships. Of course, if I knew I could not fail, it would make it easier to gain confidence in a challenging moment. But isn’t it a great feeling when you achieve something, and you know how much work and dedication it has cost you?

This is true.

These are the moments when you can be really proud of yourself. So I think I wouldn’t want to miss that. And furthermore, I think that everybody should fail from time to time to stay humble and empathetic. And humble and empathetic people are, in almost every case, valuable members of our society. But hey, that does not mean that I like failing. Of course, I would really love if my stories finally become a success!

Speaking of which, what does success mean to you?

I always have great respect for people who can live off their passion. I give you an example: a friend of mine is a baker and confectioner. And he is it from the bottom of his heart! When he talks about a new cake or dessert creation, he tells you a story about it in a way that you feel the love and passion he has for his profession. So he does not go to «work» in the morning; he does what he loves. Isn’t that pure freedom and true success?

Achieving freedom in what you are, for me, is a good definition of success. How much does freedom mean to me? I would say a lot. However, I already enjoy the pursuit of my goals as it is. In my view, it’s a privilege to have the opportunity to focus your energy on your personal goals.

Thank you, Amanda, for spending this time with us. We enjoyed you!


Amanda Boyd

Amanda Boyd was born in 1986 and raised in Mountain View, California. She spent her 20’s in Europe and then came back in 2013 to the United States to build her family. She now lives on the West Coast with her partner and two lovely dogs. 

Amanda writes erotic short stories and describes herself as a passionate lover of erotic literature who understands the importance of high-quality romance books. 

“The days of hiding away our romance novels under the couch cushions or feeling embarrassed to admit that we enjoy sex that goes along with steamy romance are over.”

– Amanda Boyd

That is why Amanda started her classy Erotic Romance Blog www.filthybooks.com as a place for readers to learn more about erotica. 

In addition to getting access to Amanda’s latest work, Filthybooks provides access to all kinds of information about the steamy romance genre. You can find lists and reviews of the latest online and print erotic literature, and no subject matter is off the table. So if you are in the mood of embracing your naughty side, you can find some exciting reading ideas from Amanda. 

Be Sure You Are Following Amanda on Social Media

Website: www.filthybooks.com/

Facebook: facebook.com/Amanda-Boyd-116011026919625

Instagram: instagram.com/aboydbooks/

Tumblr: amandaboyd.tumblr.com/

…and if you are a Erotica / Romance fan, check out her books!

You can download the first short story, Forbidden Complication, for free on www.filthybooks.com and find the link to the second story, Forbidden Fingers at www.filthybooks.com/news


Are you an author? Looking for more exposure? Learn more about my Introduce Yourself Feature HERE.