Title: In Search of a Salve: Memoir of a Sex Addict
Author: KE Garland
Publisher: New Reads Publications
Published: September 26, 2023
Pages: 326
“I was nine years old when I figured out that if I squeezed my legs together hard enough, it would create the most electrifying pulsation, in the general area my mother, her mother, and her mother called our “killa cricket.”
-KE Garland
In Search of a Salve snatches us into the author’s world with the rawness of a Sister Souljah book. Like Winter Santiaga, KE Garland has no sugarcoated, watered-down stories to tell you.
Unlike Winter, Kathy’s story is no fairytale.
The author takes us through the series of tragic incidents that led to her preoccupation with sex, including child-on-child molestation, car accidents, and the death of her adoptive mother. Garland expertly reveals how she utilized sex as a salve for a wound she wasn’t completely aware even existed, leading her down a path of multiple sex partners and abortions.
However, don’t assume this book is about the author’s naughty antics. This memoir stands out because it doesn’t only list regrettable events and bad decisions. What’s important is the linkages between how trauma impacts the body, permeates the mind, and results in addiction.
“I didn’t cheat because I had a vanilla sex life. I cheated to escape the discomfort of trauma.”
-KE Garland
We learn how cognitive therapy helped the author to pay more attention to her thinking and the meaning of key terms like exhibitionism or the urge to show yourself to others in public. These explanations helped me better understand the author’s actions beyond the physical, such as the disconnect that exists when the mother-child bond is broken early in life, resulting in a dysregulated nervous system.
“No oxytocin. No emotional bonding. No maternal attachment. Emotionally dysregulated….I began life, like most babies, listening for the sound of my mother’s voice and never found it, and I’d never stop longing for her.”
-KE Garland
This book prompted me to have more compassion for the lived experiences of people who struggle with addictions that society has deemed as nothing more than an immoral decision, but that is much more layered. As Garland searched for a salve, I, too, discovered insight into questions about my own trauma, belonging, and motherhood.
“I was motherless and it hurt whenever I didn’t have one to show up for me.”
-KE Garland
KE Garland courageously uses her story as a catalyst for further instruction about not only sex addiction but addiction in general.
In Search of a Salve will break your heart, pierce your soul, and then soothe you with knowledge about sex, trauma, despair, and the root of these behaviors beyond poor life decisions.
Yecheilyah’s Book Reviews is a reputable review service that features writers from all over the world, both traditionally and independently published. We are listed on Kindlepreneur as a top-tier book review blog and Reedsy as one of their vetted active book blogs that provide insightful, excellent book reviews.
I am reposting this because I needed the reminder, and I thought since I needed the reminder, I am sure others may need to hear it. If you are new to this blog, you are also new to this post. Enjoy!
Oct. 2020, Memphis, TN
I started thinking about the many layers of myself and how I notice that people pick the parts of me they like.
Some people love the silly me. They like when I post funny memes and do silly things.
Some people like intellectual me. They love when I talk about black history and little-known facts.
Some people love the lover in me. They like to see my husband and me together, loving one another and having a good time.
Some people want the spiritual me. They like to hear me quote scriptures and talk about the bible. They like prophetic me.
Some people like fiction me. They enjoy my novels and short stories.
Others like the poet me.
I’ve learned from life that you’ll meet so many people throughout a lifetime, and they will pick the parts of you they like best.
But you know, as I know, every part of you helps to build you into the person you are.
What I realized today was the importance of accepting your whole self, even if others reject parts of you.
“I have learned not to let rejection move me.” – Cicely Tyson
People may pick the parts of me they like, but it is my responsibility to pick my whole self. I am all of the things people love (and don’t love) rolled up into one. I am not a scattered puzzle. I am a body, and each of my body parts helps me be the full and whole person I am.
While it may be optional for others to pick and choose, it is not optional for me to choose. It is my responsibility to accept myself fully, the good, bad, and the ugly.
When we start to favor one part of ourselves over another because we see it is what people like most, we lose the other parts of ourselves. And since we need every part to make up a full body, in a sense, we lose ourselves.
People who do not vibe with the whole, the full person you are, are not your people.
Remember that there are layers of you, and though people will choose the layer they like best, it is your job to choose your whole self.
This poem was inspired by Maya Angelou’s “We Wear the Mask,” and Paul Laurence Dunbar’s “Mask.”
Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash
We define grief as tears, not smiles
heartbreaking groans, and complaints
an emotion-gripped body that bends and aches
a display of physical pain is how we mistake
what it means to grieve.
We lookout for people who are visibly sad
a distraught tone of voice, a mind gone mad
a person who neglects to eat, but drinks
or maybe have a hard time falling asleep.
The physical signs of a distressed soul are what we see for ourself
and to this, we say, “careful now, of your mental health.”
But what of the people who are not so physically troubled?
They wake up each morning
their heads held high.
They could wallow in self-pity but prefer to fly.
They spread their cheeks, so we see their teeth,
and somehow, deep underneath the grief, they smile.
Their shoulders do not droop or bow or lean,
and from their eyes, no tears be seen.
We run to them for advice, and in their ears, we spill our guts
“They are pillars of strength, no matter what,”
we say
and this is the mistake.
Right there in those smiling faces, see the invisible rock.
The chains of depression’s coffles
it’s whips and lash and knock
its uninvited entry when our smiling support goes home
and lay their pillars on their pillows
before crying themselves to sleep.
In a world as destructive as this one,
they need not make it known
that even the happiest person
still cries and loathes and moans.
Even the most joyous of us, with praise smeared on our lips
have some load to carry,
we wish to be helped with.
But if physical anguish is the only measurement
by which we weigh grief
then these people don’t have a chance
of attaining such release.
And yet, where would we be without these rays of light
who helps us, if for a moment, to believe all is right?
If you’re new to this blog, you may not know that I don’t celebrate holidays. This is the time of the year when I have to defend myself against the naysayers who cannot believe for the life of them why I would forsake Christmas (*insert eye roll*), and be on the lookout for people who would want to deceive me into celebrating. For me, the winter months are just as “cold” as the weather. It’s a stressful time. I can already feel the clouds closing in on me and my motivation plummeting.
That’s why I wanted to send you a quick message on motivation just in case you’ve felt your energy draining too. How do we stay motivated even when it’s hard?
Balancing Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation
Motivation comes from two sources. Intrinsic motivation comes from within you. For example, the desire to publish your book may be important to you. The satisfaction of knowing that you have made a difference in the world by adding your voice and experience is gratifying and provides you with an internal reward.
Extrinsic motivation comes from outside you (environment, family, friends, e.g.) and encourages you to achieve your goal by providing external rewards. An example of this might be the encouragement you receive from someone you love for the potential for your testimony to change lives. They may push you to publish your memoir or put in extra hours at the gym. They may say, “Wow, looking good girl!” You know you don’t really look good (you literally just started working out yesterday), but those kinds of positive reinforcements give you that little push you need to keep going
For times like these, it’s a good idea to balance both the extrinsic and intrinsic motivation in our lives. That is, managing inspiration that comes from ourselves and from others.
Don’t Stretch Yourself Too Thin
I bought a book at the Decatur Book Festival I will be reviewing as soon as I find the time. As de Old People Would Say is a collection of Caribbean Pearls of Wisdom & Experiences. The collection was inspired by the author’s great grandmother who was born and raised in the British Virgin Islands and moved to the US Virgin Islands as a teenager. I love this book! It’s like sitting at the foot of the elders and soaking up all the wisdom of their experiences. One saying is:
“Doan hang yoh hat whey yoh han’ cyan reach.”
Translation: Don’t hang your hat where your hand can’t reach.
The sayings have their meanings under them so the everyday person can understand it. This saying means not to overextend yourself. If you know something is too much for you, don’t put yourself in the position. I used to think loving myself was giving so much of myself to others that there was nothing left for me. When I did this, I burned myself out and had to step back. Don’t spread yourself too thin by taking on too many tasks.
A mismatch between your habits and your schedule causes stress.
Limit Social Media Time
We mimic what we are around the most and in this now technological world we must now consider social media as a part of that. Being around people is no longer limited to being physically around them. When it comes to social media, people have become far too comfortable and tend to use the platform to whine, complain, and criticize others. Even worse, there’s a strange habit of sneak dissing. For those of you unaware, sneak dissing is when someone’s post is a cryptic, subliminal message to someone else. They may think that person is wrong about something or is in need of correction in general. The person disagrees with how that person lives their life in some way. Instead of reaching out to the person privately, the sneak disser will publish a post that is speaking indirectly to the person they wish to correct. It is a form of passive-aggression.
If this sounds cowardly, it is. Social media has many good uses. Unfortunately, it has become a platform for cowards. We don’t talk to each other anymore. Instead, we post how we feel on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Limiting your social media time will help you to stay focused on what’s important and you’ll develop the healthy habit of ignoring non-sense. Less time on social media will also help you to develop better posts when you are logged in. The time to think will certainly help to guide your posting decisions.
If you find yourself lacking in motivation, it may be time to clean up your environment on and offline.
Control Your Emotions: Mind Over Matter
Mind over matter is a popular saying for a reason. Cliche as it may be, it has a powerful meaning. If you can elevate your mental thoughts, you can master the physical things around you to include your actions. For instance, I used to think of this time of the year as “the darkest time of the year.” Although I still do in some ways, I have stopped speaking that over my life. Why cast those kinds of spells over yourself? If you stay in the light, there can be no darkness. One way to stay positive is to stop allowing our emotions to be controlled by others. The truth is that you will never stop suffering if you have an emotional reaction to everything people say about you. Learn to sit back and observe. Let stones people throw at you be used to stand on and the dirt to plant you. Haters are secret admirers and you should be honored to be the source of their inspiration.
Let attacks be the source of growth. Watch, pay attention and master yourself before your thoughts master you.
Do Something Fun
If your life is all about work, you are probably stressed out or just boring. Take a break every now and again to do something that has nothing to do with work, writing, or children. Don’t be afraid to have some fun. A good way to do this is to reward yourself. For example, after doing well on an assignment from one of my classes I decided to stop studying to catch up on one of my favorite TV shows. I also make it a rule not to work continuously for too long. It’s important not to get too comfortable but the breaks help keep me refreshed and excited about getting back to work. I am also one of the grown people who believe in taking naps. I also enjoy a glass of wine every now and again. I try to limit myself so that when I do drink, it’s a reward for working hard (and not just because it’s Thursday…seriously, drink too much and that starts to affect your outward appearance. You’ll be thirty and look forty. It’s a good idea to moderate your alcohol intake too.)
Over the next few days, I challenge you to think about an inside and outside reward that could help to keep you motivated in your darkest hour. Do you get your drive, your need to succeed, and your willingness to make a difference from inside of you (intrinsic)? Are you inspired by someone else who generates enthusiasm for you (extrinsic) or perhaps a combination of the two? Does the motivation you feel infuse you with the enthusiasm to achieve your goals even when it may become difficult?
Remember to take care of your mental health.
Nubian Books Bookstore, Morrow, GA
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of Yah. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of Yah that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Wanda wants nothing more than to escape the oppressive upbringing of life with her abusive foster mother. Miss Cassaundra manipulates the system by bringing lost children into her home turned whorehouse and collecting the money. Wanda knows what it’s like to be abandoned and has no doubt Abby is Cassaundra’s next case. When an opportunity arises, that could save them both, Wanda must find a way to get the paperwork that will secure their freedom. But Cassaundra’s got eyes everywhere and no one can be trusted when even salt looks like sugar.
As many of you know, I’ve been doing lots of personal reflection. My focus has been on healing and love. This included taking some extensive time off to spend with Yah, my family, embracing solitude and doing more writing.
In this process, I’ve learned a lot about myself (still learning), got to spend time with my mom, finished two books and moved to Georgia.
Long story short, this break has paid off in more ways than one and I want to share with you something I shared with my Bimonthly email list already. That is, learning to control the energy around you so that you’re more positive, have more energy, are happier and accomplishing more.
To start, I’ve been practicing this by training my mind to be more positive.
Positive Thoughts
Many are already talking about the power of positive thinking, but how does that look in action?
What I’ve come to understand about the power of thought is how much our thoughts contribute to our physical well-being.
We can literally control the energy around us by the quality of our thoughts.
This means that I cannot focus my thoughts on the negative all day, every day and expect to be happy and energetic. If you wake up complaining, go to work complaining, blog your complaints, Tweet and Facebook your complaints, how do you (realistically speaking) expect to have a good day?
This includes limiting what my ears hear and what my eyes see. I can think positively but thinking positive is not enough.
I must also eliminate negative people, places, and things from my life that influences the way that I think.
Why is this important?Because we cannot heal in the same environment that broke us.
I’ve found that watching and listening to what is less negatively stimulating can help me to think less negatively.
An example of this online is following more positive minded people on social media and accounts that encourage and build up instead of tear down. I removed those persons whose energy brought me down and followed those whose energy built me up. This doesn’t mean those I removed are bad people or that I love them less. It means that I love myself enough to protect my energy.
This process of falling back in love with ourselves begins with setting standards for what we will and will not tolerate. This is important because you teach people how to love you based on what you allow to take place.
Mental Rest
My break has been more so about mental rejuvenation more than physically. Being tired all the time does not necessarily mean that you’ve had a productive day. It may mean that you are busy but it doesn’t always mean that you’ve been productive. Sometimes it means it is mental rest that you need.
Because the spiritual (mind) and the physical (body) is connected, once we control the way we think we automatically control the way that we feel. Sure, I can get more hours of sleep (and I should) but…
ultimately it is my excitement and passion about the good in my life that will fill me up with positive and empowering energy.
Or, it is my depressed demeanor that will do the opposite.
Your mind can tire you out or fill you up.
For this, I am personally striving to cut down on complaining and worrying by focusing instead on positive thoughts and alternatives. This is not easy, is a daily process, and also means not allowing others to project their negative energy onto me. Giving into other people’s problems or letting people complain to us too much can drain our energy and leave us empty.
Being an ear is great but there’s a difference between being supportive and just letting people dump their issues in our laps.
We are not toilets and shouldn’t allow ourselves to be used.
Do not misunderstand me: Venting can be a good thing. Having someone to talk to is mentally healthy but in the words of Rudy Francisco:
“Some people will take until you have nothing left and then hold a grudge against your hands for being empty.”
Next, we’ll talk about some backlashes to the new and positive you and how to stay encouraged despite them. In a world this cold anything good is bound to be met with opposition. This should not surprise us. In fact, we should prepare for it.
I don’t know who wrote this but I had to share it. It’s so true. We only work and spend our time according to how we see ourselves. Meaning that if we don’t think we are worthy then we are not going to value our time and therefore not do anything with it. Taking time to spend alone and reflect is not something that is optional for me. I believe that mental health is just as imperative as physical health but is highly underrated. Rarely do we consider mental clarity or offer exercises to help to maintain that kind of balance in our lives. Mental stability is just as important to me as physical health. Taking care of myself helps me to have the endurance to take care of others. Prayer, meditation, and just overall quite time gives me a chance to listen to my own thoughts, cultivate new writing ideas and examine where I am right now in my life, my goals, and those things that need to be improved. It helps me to be of service to my husband and to my community. The same way that reading and studying helps to exercise my brain, quite time and reflection help to clear my mind and organize my thoughts. For us to truly value our time I believe what the quotes says, we must first value ourselves. We have to know our worth in order to know what we’re worth. Only when we believe that we are truly worth it, will we have what it takes to truly appreciate these moments that too soon become memories.
The PBS Blog 