No Whining Wednesday – Take Nothing Personally

Welcome back to another episode of No Whining Wednesday, the only day of the week where you do not get to whine, complain, or criticize. Now, if you are new to this blog or new to this segment please visit the first post HERE for more on what this post is all about.

The No Whining Wednesday Badge

 

 

The Four Agreements is one of those books I keep close to me alongside the Bible and Letters to a Young Poet. This agreement is my favorite and has been on my heart even without having anything to do with the book. You will find that you are happier when you don’t take things personally. When you know who you are, you don’t need people to tell you how good you are. When you receive praise, you don’t take that personally by letting it get to your head and start to think more highly of yourself than you should think. There is only one creator, and it’s not you. You understand that you are a vessel used for Yah’s purpose and that everything you are belongs to him.

Most importantly, when people say bad things about you or do not react in the way you expect them to, you don’t take that personally either. You learn to create healthy boundaries that allow you to cut people off who continue to disrespect you but you don’t take it personally. You know whatever they think is a result of their own belief system, opinions, and emotions. When people violate your expectations, whether that’s not calling/texting you back or not responding the way you think they should, you don’t see it as a personal attack on yourself. You’ll learn when people are happier, they respond positively but when people are not happy they respond negatively. And the good thing? That has nothing to do with you.

People who are not happy with their life will not be happy to see you happy and that’s okay. They are on their own journey. They can’t relate to you at this point in their lives. Otherwise, they would respond differently. They would be excited, motivated and charged. Why? Because they have been where you are and they know what it felt like when they had that same joy. But when things are not as joyous in their own life? They will respond differently. That’s okay. This has nothing to do with you. It’s an opinion given to you based on how they are feeling in this moment but you don’t have to accept it. The person is dealing with themselves, not you.

Taking things personally is a selfish act because you make everything about you when that’s not the case. What people do and say is not a reflection of you. It’s a reflection of their own selves.

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On Healing

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Wow. I miss you guys! Feel like I’ve been gone foreeverrr.

Briefly, I’ve been, admittedly, in a funk. Not all of the time. Being away from social media has definitely been productive for sure work wise. But personally, it’s like this year arrived and I suddenly felt extremely down, lonely and secretly, I wanted someone to reach out to me. I wanted to laugh and talk and hang out. I wanted to confide in someone who would understand and I needed a friend. I was listening to sad songs and everything yall. I mean, “Who can I run to when I need love?” Lol.

As I posted to my IG though, replacing “Why is this happening to me?” with “What is this trying to tell me?” has been a game changer. It’s not like just posting quotes but it is something I’ve actually had to think about and speak and literally put into practice. I had to literally stand there and say, “OK EC. See the purpose, see the purpose.” Only when I did this did I begin to regain my strength and not sweat the small stuff.  And because I don’t believe in being this vulnerable publicly unless I have something to share that I learned, I decided to keep silent. Only now that I feel better could I blog about it because I have something to share that I hope will help you as much as it has helped me so here goes:

On Letting Go

Letting go is a process that was never intended for us to do all at once. Even when we have to cut people out of our lives we still hold them in our hearts. It is only little by little that we release them until they are no longer occupying the space in our minds and taking up our energy. So, if you are feeling somewhat discouraged because you are not completely healed I want you to know that you have not failed. You don’t have to get over it in one day because it’s not that simple. Just take it one day at a time. It’s not normal to slice off your arm or your legs and not feel pain. You’ve parted with something that was not just a part of you but that helped the rest of your body to function. To not bleed after this is not to be alive and you are not a zombie. You are human. And as human’s we cannot help but feel.

“Those mountains you are carrying you were only supposed to climb.”

– Najwa Zebian

Now that I am feeling better, I’ve decided my focus this year is on HEALING. Healing spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically, all areas. I no longer have the energy for negative vibes and I won’t fret the small stuff. New beginnings are here and NEW LEVELS are arriving. In short, my focus is on VIBRATING HIGHER and speaking POWER over my life. Some things I’ll be striving to implement:

  • Surround myself with those who want to be in my life without worrying about those who don’t want to be in my life. There will ALWAYS be those who are offended by your evolution. How do you respond? Keep growing.
  • Only use words that will help me to grow: I CAN. I WILL. I AM. I MUST. This is powerful, uplifting and empowering language. The more I infuse these words into my language and into my life, the more I take back control of how I feel.
  • Forgiveness is a personal revolution and breathtakingly liberating when implemented into our lives (because it is connected to love.) My first step in strengthening my levels of forgiveness is learning to forgive myself.
  • If people want to leave, I will peacefully let them go without feeling guilty. This means that if I reach out and I don’t feel it is warranted, I will pull back without fighting the vibe. I am not going to push if I feel my gesture isn’t wanted. People don’t have to tell us how they’re feeling, we can feel it if we’re paying attention. I am not talking metaphorically but for real feel it. In our body, in our hearts, and in our souls. And then, when you are no longer held captive to the opinions of men or scratching against the cage of their judgment, that is when you set yourself free.
This year it is all about my healing and everyone else who is willing to come along with me. No, this is NOT just about me! This is about you too. Self-love is a journey and road trips are always better with more people!

We CAN heal. We WILL heal. We MUST heal. We ARE healing.

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”
– Henry David Thoreau
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Confession and Cover Reveal

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Many of you know that I have pushed my two bigger projects back but I’ve been low-key working on another one and yesterday, I revealed the news to my email list.

I have wanted to publish many of the poems featured on this blog (by featured I am referring to my own poems) in a book for a long time. I tried it with my third collection but since then I’ve written a lot more poetry. To make a long story short, I’ve finally submitted the final copy of I AM SOUL in to be edited last week and we’re looking at a release date as early as December 20th, my mother’s birthday.

COVER REVEAL – I AM SOUL

 

Inspiration Behind the Title

“You have an old soul.”

I don’t particularly like this phrase and I cringe when people tell me this. But, it is a fact that I’ve heard this many times over the course of my life, disguised in many different ways.

“You act older than you are.”

“You’re mature for your age.”

Or as my big sister so elegantly put it: “You old.”

So, I decided to drop the “Old” (because I’m young shooo lol) and just go with Soul.

Personal

I read something once that said, “The best writing is vulnerable.” I kept rolling this around in my head. It’s so true. I am extremely shy when it comes to my own personal feelings and I admit I am embarrassed to reveal too much of myself because, well, I think it will be too much. I’m too much yall (lol tee hee). But, the person was right. We connect deeper with people who we can relate to. People who are just as human as we are. People who make mistakes and are dripping with flaws. They may not always be this way, but they help us to see there is still hope. Their testimonies make redemption real. They are not somewhere in heaven while the rest of us are here on Earth. Their mistakes are a bridge of commonality that connects them to the rest of mankind. It is why we connect with people who are real.

This book is also a compilation of the Black History poems published to this blog which is another inspiration for the title. We have always had a unique way about us from our rich history to our style of dress to the way that we speak. We are the salt of the Earth. We are flavoring. We are Soul Train and Soul Brothers. We are soul.

I AM SOUL is personal in more ways than one and seeks to tell the truth. To be honest. To be vulnerable. To be weak and in that weakness, to be strong. ( 2 Co 12:10) This book is all things personal. This book is all things, soul.

So, there you have it. I’ll have more details and developments as we get closer to release but I am excited and I hope you will enjoy this collection just as much as you enjoy the poetry on this blog.

I AM SOUL- 3D

Coming Soon

Controlling the Energy Around You

As many of you know, I’ve been doing lots of personal reflection. My focus has been on healing and love. This included taking some extensive time off to spend with Yah, my family, embracing solitude and doing more writing.

In this process, I’ve learned a lot about myself (still learning), got to spend time with my mom, finished two books and moved to Georgia.

Long story short, this break has paid off in more ways than one and I want to share with you something I shared with my Bimonthly email list already. That is, learning to control the energy around you so that you’re more positive, have more energy, are happier and accomplishing more.

To start, I’ve been practicing this by training my mind to be more positive.

Positive Thoughts

Many are already talking about the power of positive thinking, but how does that look in action?

What I’ve come to understand about the power of thought is how much our thoughts contribute to our physical well-being.

We can literally control the energy around us by the quality of our thoughts.

This means that I cannot focus my thoughts on the negative all day, every day and expect to be happy and energetic. If you wake up complaining, go to work complaining, blog your complaints, Tweet and Facebook your complaints, how do you (realistically speaking) expect to have a good day?

This includes limiting what my ears hear and what my eyes see. I can think positively but thinking positive is not enough.

I must also eliminate negative people, places, and things from my life that influences the way that I think.

Why is this important? Because we cannot heal in the same environment that broke us.

I’ve found that watching and listening to what is less negatively stimulating can help me to think less negatively. 

An example of this online is following more positive minded people on social media and accounts that encourage and build up instead of tear down. I removed those persons whose energy brought me down and followed those whose energy built me up. This doesn’t mean those I removed are bad people or that I love them less. It means that I love myself enough to protect my energy.

This process of falling back in love with ourselves begins with setting standards for what we will and will not tolerate. This is important because you teach people how to love you based on what you allow to take place.

Mental Rest

My break has been more so about mental rejuvenation more than physically. Being tired all the time does not necessarily mean that you’ve had a productive day. It may mean that you are busy but it doesn’t always mean that you’ve been productive. Sometimes it means it is mental rest that you need.

Because the spiritual (mind) and the physical (body) is connected, once we control the way we think we automatically control the way that we feel. Sure, I can get more hours of sleep (and I should) but…

ultimately it is my excitement and passion about the good in my life that will fill me up with positive and empowering energy.

Or, it is my depressed demeanor that will do the opposite.

Your mind can tire you out or fill you up.

For this, I am personally striving to cut down on complaining and worrying by focusing instead on positive thoughts and alternatives. This is not easy, is a daily process, and also means not allowing others to project their negative energy onto me. Giving into other people’s problems or letting people complain to us too much can drain our energy and leave us empty.

Being an ear is great but there’s a difference between being supportive and just letting people dump their issues in our laps.

We are not toilets and shouldn’t allow ourselves to be used.

Do not misunderstand me: Venting can be a good thing. Having someone to talk to is mentally healthy but in the words of Rudy Francisco:

“Some people will take until you have nothing left and then hold a grudge against your hands for being empty.”


Next, we’ll talk about some backlashes to the new and positive you and how to stay encouraged despite them. In a world this cold anything good is bound to be met with opposition. This should not surprise us. In fact, we should prepare for it.

Building Relationships

True relationships are not scheduled, planned, and coordinated. True relationships are natural occurrences and are not forced. They blossom from a genuine pull towards that person. It is a connection of energy built upon similar states of mind. It is when two people share the same opinion without an agenda. Building relationships is not a strategy we can put into our pockets and hope will guarantee us some kind of success. Relationships instead are bonds that formed either from tragedy or triumph. Relationships in whatever form that they come rather a man to woman, a business partnership or author to reader, are built upon the vibration of similar frequencies. Humble people do not talk about their own humility just as generous people do not think they are very generous. That is because it is an innate natural characteristic that is real. Real relationships are just the same. They do not consciously seek out the other rather they are connected organically through similar thought processes and experiences. It is when two or more people are drawn to work together because they sense a connection. It is when you don’t have to convince that person that you’re genuine because their energy feels yours. It is not sitting at the cool kid’s table in hopes of being liked but rather letting the silent pull of another’s heart find yours.

Why Are YOU Worth It?

I’m not asking you about:

Twitter followers…

IG followers…

Blog followers….

FB likes….

This is about YOU.

Why are YOU worth it?

Of course, I do not expect an answer. You aren’t doing this for me. It’s a deeply personal question that we should each ask ourselves daily. And it is a question that needs an answer. Comments disabled.

How to Personalize Your Posts (Without Telling Your Business)

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If you’re like me, you’ve wondered how to be as genuine as possible in writing online but without being too personal. I understand some people are extremely open but I’m not. Telling my personal business is not something I do in real life, let alone online. However, to relate to people does require some level of openness. How does one balance this? Here’re some things I’ve tried doing on this blog to help you to relate to me personally without being too detailed:

  1. Talk to Us, Not at Us

You are not my fans and this is not a stage. We hear it over and over again the importance of writing in a conversational manner. This means to approach your blog as if the people reading (that’s us) are actually sitting right across from your breakfast table sipping coffee or maybe sitting on the couch laughing and you’re having a conversation. This is recommended because it makes your posts read more genuine than the business-like tone (unless your post is strictly business-like). I’d recommend this for your email lists as well.

  1. Share Experiences / Admit Mistakes

This really helps us to remember that you’re not a robot programmed to schedule posts. We’ve all been through things in our life that has provided us with much to share. I’m sure many of us are over twenty-one and have tons of stories and life lessons to give. There’s no such thing as being “qualified” to give advice. No one has walked your shoes so no one can tell the stories or share the wisdom that you share. It’s like writing. While we can certainly share information, resources, and tips, why you write is a separate matter. No one can define this for you. It’s a different journey in and of itself. In any event, sharing experiences certainly gives your blog a more personal feel to it. With this comes admitting to your mistakes. It will take lots of courage to admit to a mistake you made in private let alone in public but this can be balanced with what you are learning from that mistake to create a nice personal touch. In this way, you’re not just whining but offering something of value to your blog without over doing it. It also showcases humility.

  1. Show Emotion

I’ve found that some of my best posts are the ones where I am showing emotion. This isn’t to say that I’m writing you tears or cursing someone out. That’s extra. Showing emotion just means that you are being real. Even the strongest person is going to get frustrated sometimes or hurt or experience doubt. It doesn’t make you weak or unfaithful, it just makes you real. It’s OK to use your blog to vent a little bit. Not to the point where you’re out of control but just enough to show vulnerability. Again, this isn’t weakness, its realness. We struggle every day and hiding that struggle only makes you look like a phony. No, you do not have it all together and even if you do some days are not going to be easy. Readers can relate to this kind of stuff and it helps to build a stronger bond with us. You never know who is reading your blog and gaining from your strength.

  1. Family Photos / Updates

No, I’m not talking about why your sister in law’s baby cousin Tracy slept with your best friend. That’s telling you and someone else’ business. I’m just talking about a little family update now and again. (Maybe you just got married for instance) Posting family photos or giving family updates is a great way to connect with readers. Again, it’s a personal thing but not over the top. Maybe you just had an anniversary, bought a house, or took a family trip. What was it like? Did you enjoy yourself? This makes readers feel closer to you and as a result, closer to your blog.

  1. Personality

This seems obvious but it really can pass us by as we settle into our blog niches and routines (I don’t really do the niche thing. I blog about whatever moves me). Your personality is your character and not many people showcase their character in their post but this is a nice personal touch without going all out. Even in business type posts, it’s OK to implement some persona. Are you funny? Sarcastic? Serious? These attributes should come across in your writing because it’s you. It helps readers get to know you in a very personal but not too personal way. By very personal I mean that people understand what you like and what you don’t like. They know what makes you upset and what makes you laugh. They get to know you because who you are  will shine through your writing.

  1. News Articles and Third Party Links

They say 90% of communication is non-verbal. This means that most of who you are do not come through in your words but in your actions (i.e. actions speak louder than words). When you share content from others, even news, you are showing a part of yourself. If you pay attention, you can discern the persona or the thoughts of bloggers who rarely blog about how they are feeling because you can see them in the third party information that they share. I can see it in your quotes, your re-blogs, and your links. You may not say much, but I see you. I see you in your actions. I feel when you are in disagreement because the contention is dripping from your energy. I can feel your nose turned up into the air and almost see your head shake. I know because I can smell the aura on your breath and not even the best perfume, cologne, or craftily arranged words will hide it.

  1. Music

What is more personal than music? If actions show your true self, then music is a mirror. The inspiration behind my Throwback Thursday Jams is my attempt at showing another side of myself on this blog other than writing. It is my way of opening up. Not to the extent that I’m talking too much, but just enough for you to get to know me a little more. If you’re still not sure how to be more personal, talking about the kind of music you like or any kind of art is a great way to connect with others.

I can probably think of so many other ways in which we can get personal in our blog post (sharing recipes is another one) without telling our business but I’d like to hear your thoughts as well so I’ll stop here. To be clear, when I say personal I’m not talking about personal in the sense that we tend to think of it. I’m not saying to gossip about your neighbor or tell us that your nephew is homeless. I’m not saying to “sneak diss” someone you didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to approach personally, and I’m not talking about posting about how your rent was due but your husband or wife couldn’t pay the bill. By personal, I just mean to incorporate a dash of persona, a pinch of emotion, and a sprinkle of humility in each post. Let us know that you’re real.