I’ve been working on this collection of poetry since I released I am Soul three years ago. So much as happened in that time that most of this year feels like it happened years ago. It feels like Kobe Bryant died in 2019, but then I remember that tragedy happened earlier this year. I have to remind myself that Kobe’s death is how we opened the year!
It feels like I went to Spain for the first time last year, and then I realize that it was just this past February.
Sometimes, it feels like Friday, and then I remember it is only Tuesday. I find myself looking at the calendar more just to remind myself what day it is.
This is 2020.
The most significant change is the COVID-19 pandemic. Usually, we focus on our individual struggles, trials, and tribulations, so it’s funny to think about the world around us being just as chaotic as our internal struggles. As if a global, deadly virus isn’t enough, the rest of the world is just as upside down.
Black men and women continue to be gunned down in the streets. Historical monuments are being demolished as people awaken to the truth of its origin. The traditional school experience for our babies is all but gone. Sports games do not have an audience.
Oh, and we are all walking around wearing masks and shaming people for not being “productive,” enough during a pandemic.
*Queue George Orwell’s 1984*
We are eight months into 2020, and I sense we haven’t seen anything yet.
But there is always hope.
There is no better time than to release this collection amid such a revolutionary era. Revolution only means change, and while most of the changes we’ve seen have been negative, there is a lot of good happening too. The good is harder to see because hope doesn’t make the news, but like the wind, it is there. I had my first school visit this year, where I spoke to 15 ELA classes about writing. I also had my first keynote invite and welcome this year by the Queenz Circle of ATL Bookclub before the pandemic took away the freedom of face-to-face events.
A lot has happened this year not just for me but also for you, so here’s what I’ve learned.
I’ve learned nothing we go through is without a purpose. No pain we suffer and no trial we experience happens without reason. It all ministers to our education and the development of ourselves into the people Yah ordained us to be. It helps to cultivate in us a spirit of patience, faith, humility, and self-control.
I hope these poems are a reminder that in our darkest moments, there is still hope. And I hope this collection will invigorate and renew your soul.
Do not set out to write a poem. Strip yourself of all the education you think will make you a good writer, and undress all the fluff you believe constitutes a good poem. Write only what is in your heart at this exact moment—every thread of thought and every emotion you have not the courage to feel out loud. Write this. That thing you are afraid to say. Write that. Approach the page vulnerable. Come open. Come raw. Come wounded or come healed, but come bared of what you think poetry is and become the poem instead. Write accurately and precisely every sentiment you have bottled up inside. In writing what is in the most sacred part of your being, and the most intense sections of your soul, you may unintentionally stumble on something beautifully authentic.
Title: Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life
Author: Dr. Thomas Jordan, Ph.D
Print Length: 132 pages
Publisher: Book Baby
Publication Date: December 16, 2019
Clinical psychologist Dr. Thomas Jordan Ph.D. offers various suggestions for how couples might enhance their romantic relationships in his book Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life. He demonstrates how those earlier love experiences have impacted our current perception of relationships going all the way back to conception using a psychological blueprint.
He uses his personal life experience to show how what we learn in our family shapes our experience of interpersonal reality when we become adults. (Jordan, 92) Dr. Jordan challenges readers to identify what they’ve learned, question what they’ve learned, and then try something new. As you can tell, Dr. Thomas’ explanations are easy-to-understand, and his examples are clear and concise.
One of his most important points is about learned beliefs, behavior, and feelings. Jordan asserts, for example, that if what we’ve learned about love was unhealthy growing up, we will unknowingly, somewhat subconsciously, repeat what was unhealthy in our adult relationships. The key here is what you believe about love relationships will shape your experience.
Suppose someone taught you to think relationships are dishonest because you experienced dishonesty growing up. If you are unaware of this learned belief and have not made changes, chances are your current relationships will recreate dishonesty and generate a feeling that someone is deceptive.
This same thing can apply if you’ve felt abandonment (loss), exploitation (used), abuse (fearful), mistrust (suspicious), controlled (trapped), neglect (deprived), dependency (needy), and rejection (rejected). According to Dr. Jordan, these are among the unhealthy traits we learn and unconsciously recreate in our love relationships if we have not healed from them. Another critical detail Dr. Jordan makes is how we become defensive to avoid vulnerability.
The vulnerability allows people to get to know us better because we have let them in. People shy away from opening up in this way because we cannot be vulnerable without risking unintentional hurt occasionally. What is meant by “unintentional?” There will inevitably be differences between you and the person you are in a relationship with, disagreements, different perspectives, and opinions. These differences are inevitable. There is no escaping it. According to Dr. Thomas, one cannot be in love without feeling unintentional hurt based on differences.
So then, why is “falling in love” worth it? Dr. Thomas has an interesting answer: Because we all have a natural ability to heal. The risk of falling in love is more tolerable and less stressful when we believe in our innate ability to heal. “If hurt leads to loss, we can grieve, heal our hearts, and move on.” (Jordan, 55)
We can avoid pain altogether by not opening up, but being defensive in relationships interferes with our ability to give and receive love. Dr. Thomas notes that love as an emotion is unpredictable and uncontrollable; hence, we “fall in love,” the connotation is that we have lost control. Because of losing control, we risk getting hurt. We avoid this hurt in attempting to achieve a love relationship without being vulnerable, which is not possible.
“Vulnerability is the emotional experience that shows you are open to giving and receiving love.” – Dr. Thomas Jordan
This understanding took me back to the 80/20 rule. It is a lot to expect to receive 100% good from one person because we all have trauma and baggage from our life experiences that we carry with us. Even in an emotionally healthy and stable individual, you might only get 80% of attractive traits.
Can you live with that person’s twenty percent? Or is this person’s twenty percent unbearable/intolerable? What can you realistically tolerate in a love relationship based on your conscious awareness of your own flaws and strengths, combined with your partner’s weaknesses and strengths? What flaws can you live with (accept)?
Anyone, single or married, disappointing love life or not, can learn how to heal by learning to love themselves, starting with being consciously aware of toxic patterns.
He passed me his phone with a world map pulled up next to an article. The article detailed that because of the extreme of the COVID-19 pandemic in the US, most countries are not allowing citizens from America into its lands. While we were not planning a trip out of the country, this made me think about the preciousness of now, of gratitude, and how quickly moments become memories.
How often do we stop to enjoy the minutes in front of us, before rushing on to the next something?
Fun Fact: I take a lot of pictures on vacation, but I rarely post them to social media when they were taken. Sometimes, I may not post photos at all on that day.
I started this practice after realizing how much I was missing with my head down. My husband would say stuff like, “did you see that deer?” No. I didn’t. I was uploading photos to Facebook.
I kept taking lots of pictures and sharing them, but not before enjoying the moment in front of me first. It has made all the difference. I can still taste the sweetness of the oranges we picked from the orange trees in Spain and smell the delicate fragrance of the lemons we picked from the lemon trees. And I can still remember the moment my husband snapped this picture, capturing forever a time I am not sure will ever return.
I do not know if the world is going back to what we considered normal, and I am not sure when we will travel again. But, I know that I will keep taking pictures and capturing moments because today is here; living and waiting to be filled. This second. This minute. This single hour. This unprecedented time. This precious right now that will undoubtedly become history. How does it feel to live history? Will we remember? What will we make of these moments before they become memories? What will we do with all these precious hours in front of us before they are gone?
Introduce Yourself is back! Please help me extend a warm welcome to Edgar Rider. Welcome to the PBS Blog!
What is your name and where are you from?
Edgar Rider, originally from Scottsdale, Arizona, moved to Riverside, California.
Nice. Are you employed outside of writing?
I work in education as a paraprofessional for a High School in Special Ed.
Cool beans. What job do you think you’d be really good at?
Creativity in organizing creative events, and writing educational content.
Any siblings Edgar?
Yes, two.
What was your childhood dream?
The first dream was to be a detective, and then I just wanted to be in some creative field where I could use creativity.
What skill do you think you’ve mastered?
Creativity. Coming up with innovative ideas. Writing about Abstract subject matter in an understandable, relatable, and universal fashion. Created tunnel performance society to help others express themselves.
What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?
A trip to Amsterdam. It has a reputation as a place where all bets are off. I would like to explore an uninhibited place.
What’s your favorite drink?
Nothing beats a PBR.
PBR?
Pabst Blue Ribbon is a beer. It is relatively cheap and is the main drink at a pub I go to called TT Roadhouse.
Got it. What songs have you completely memorized?
Neil Diamond Hello Again and The Doors Monlight Drive.
What’s your favorite color?
Blue and yellow combination.
Let’s talk about writing a bit. When did you publish your first book?
I just published it, and it is a great feeling. Riding Out The Kipling Effect is about an experience me and a friend had living in a ladies’ living room for a year.
Oh, wow, lol.
We gave up our respective apartments to save money to concentrate on writing. Carrie Kipling was the tenant, and she lived in a chaotic turmoil-filled world used by moocher friends. The book is about trying to stay committed to a specific creative purpose while overcoming outside challenges. Some of the major themes are relinquishing control, overcoming obstacles, and at certain moments being able to trust in the experience.
Interesting.
It has been a long road, so getting this book out is a big accomplishment.
Congratulations!
Who is your favorite writer?
James Thurber. He wrote about ordinary regular events but turned them into extraordinary experiences. Other stories are about dreaming of another kind of life—Secret Life of Walter Mitty and My Life and Hard Times.
If you could shadow your favorite artist, who would it be?
Alice Cooper. I was always a fan. He came up with a stage persona and took it in a particular direction—such a well-defined character. I would learn how to embody and be that person. I have my own alter ego Bob Eager.
Oh?
I want to learn to become that character and be productive at presenting it for long periods.
Edgar? You’re scaring me lol. What kind of music do you like?
Rock music classic rock eighties rock.
What genre do you write in, why?
Memoir, Short story, Creative nonfiction, and poetry. Not sure why just my most expressive forms.
Okay. I love those genres! What takes up too much of your time?
Social Media.
I think you speak for us all.
What is the most thought-provoking book you’ve ever read?
Purple Cow. It is about coming up with an innovative idea that stands out, not playing it safe, really believing in ideas. It helped me develop tunnel performance society, an innovative environmental theatrical space where poets, musicians, and dancers can express themselves.
That’s cool. What’s the most difficult thing about being a writer? The most exciting thing?
Editing is the most difficult for sure. Revision at some points, too, saying, “no, this is done.” Telling stories that have a narrative legacy that will last five-ten years from now, and making sure they are not rooted in contemporary culture.
If you had one superpower that could change the world, what would it be? Why?
Suspending Disbelief. Being able to create reality and make it more pleasing.
If you could, would you visit the past?
I would visit the past and try and help myself and others make their lives easier.
What advice would you give your younger self?
Find Purpose and go full throttle, eliminate distractions.
What is the best advice you’ve ever been given? What made it special?
Write in your own voice. I was young and in college, and it meant a lot to me to express how I was feeling.
I love it.
Thank you Edgar for spending this time with us. We enjoyed you!
Edgar Rider has been working in education for over ten years, first as a Substitute Teacher. More recently, he has been a Paraprofessional for an elementary school and high school. Rider worked in a Children’s museum as a Playologist and was a Child advocate for a Domestic Violence shelter. He has published articles on educational topics such as Growth Mindset, Substitute Teaching, Autism, Time Management in a classroom, and how to use an Environmental Theater space.
About the Book
Life in Carrie Kipling’s apartment was a constant struggle. Kipling’s life was in a state of turmoil. Her group of friends consisted of moochers, liars, prostitutes, and convicted felons. Her decision-making process deteriorated over time and became even more dangerous as she let anyone she befriended control various aspects of her life. In this book, a narrative journey titled Riding Out The Kipling Effect, my friend Muller and I lived in Kipling’s living room for a year. What started as a strange situation spiraled out of control. We both wanted to become writers for a living and were willing to give up comfort, space, belongings, and even sanity to achieve our respective dreams.
We jumped from our apartments and ended up on a couch and in a chair and strapped ourselves along for the Kipling Effect’s roller coaster ride. Little did we realize that navigating through this would become the biggest challenge of our lives. The Downtown artistic scene, museums, and libraries also provide a backdrop of inspiration for this particular journey. The juxtaposition between the surrounding dive bars and the posh clubs and restaurants presents a peculiar atmosphere full of contrary subject matter ripe for a storytelling environment. Eventually, I learned that the Kipling Effect had positive ramifications and was the one necessary thing leading me down an essential path towards authentic self-discovery.
Please help me extend a warm welcome to Victoriyah Smith. Welcome to the PBS Blog!
What is your name and where are you from?
My name is Victoria Smith (Victoriyah Israyl) and I am from Gulfport, Mississippi.
What was your childhood dream?
My childhood dream was to be able to travel to different countries around the world. I have been blessed to travel to the Bahamas, Jamaica, Belize, Progresso, Montego Bay, Cozumel, Key West, to name a few places. I enjoy learning new cultures and trying fresh foods as long as it is not pork or shellfish.
I feel you. I love traveling myself. Got a travel buddy? Married?
I am married to my wonderful, loving, supportive husband, Willie. We have shared this life together for 21 years.
Little Book of Abundant Blessings for Entrepreneurs is available now on Amazon.
Beautiful. Let’s talk about writing a bit. When did you publish your first book? What was that like?
I published my first book on June 15, 2020, and it was a wonderful feeling.
Oh okayy. You new, new. Congratulations!
Thank you. It took a lot of work, time, and learning technical things to get it in the correct format for publishing; it was definitely a learning experience. I am now working on promoting my book as I work on writing my next book. I know the process will be more straightforward because of my first experience.
What do you love about yourself?
I love that I am a giver. I enjoy helping others and being a blessing to others who are not as fortunate as myself.
In your own words, what is humility?
Humility is being humble in my heart and my actions. Humility is the opposite of being puffed up and high minded. To walk in humility means to open yourself to understand the pain and disappointment of others. It is a welcoming approach to solving violence, anger, and aggression in relationships and society. Humility is being of no form or fashion, but existing in love and understanding as you seek to understand others when there is no peace. Humility is being as a little child.
I love that part about opening yourself up to understand the pain of others. Victoriyah, what is the best advice you’ve ever been given? What made it special?
My father gave me some wisdom as a young adult after I built my home. He was laying a new driveway for me, and I tried to pay him before he had finished the work. My father looked at me and asked, “Have you seen the finished product?” My answer was “No sir,” and then he said,” Never pay for a service in full until you’ve seen the finished product. Even if it’s your daddy.” Those simple words have been special in my life because it gave me the courage I needed to hold people accountable in business transactions as a young woman.
That’s awesome. Why is writing important to you?
Writing has always been an escape for me. When I became a Sunday school-teacher years ago, writing became a huge part of my life as I would write stories of the bible that would help my students to understand the scripture in a greater way. As I have continued my relationship with the Most High, writing has been a central focus of my meditations as I am being guided by my creator to unfold many truths about the bible. I hope that the truths that are written in my books will help others increase their belief in our creator Yah.
Life is not always pretty, as we all experience hardship now and again and this is magnified by the COVID-19 pandemic. What is your best advice for reducing stress?
My advice for anyone experiencing hardship is to understand that there is a purpose for everything we experience. To find the meaning of life is to gain a relationship with our creator Yah and the Messiah Yahoshuah. I believe that by doing that, the Most High gives us understanding and direction in the path we should take in our lives. Pray to our creator Yah, cast all your burdens and troubles on him, and he will lift every burden (stress) and give you peace that surpasses all human understanding.
From the natural perspective, start a hobby, exercise, eat healthily, write more, and evaluate the decisions you are making and set goals to remove anything out of your life that may be causing stress. Our creator will give you the strength to remove those things through prayer.
Beautifully articulated. Outside of writing, what are some of your passions?
I enjoy gardening. I grow my own cucumbers, tomatoes, squash, and peppers. I also have a passion for helping women become their own bosses by giving them the tools they need to succeed. In 2014, I established an organization to work toward that end. It is called “Network of Women Business Owners.” I also enjoy helping the less fortunate individuals in the community with clothes, food, and resources to help them overcome life’s challenges.
Thank you Victoriyah for spending this time with us. We enjoyed you!
Born in Gulfport, Mississippi, Victoriyah received her master’s degree in Social Work from the University of Alabama and her bachelor’s degree in Social Work from the University of Southern Mississippi. Also, she obtained an associate’s degree in Business Management from Mississippi Gulf Coast Community College. With a passion for helping every inspiring woman become her own boss, Victoriyah shares her proven insights with diverse audiences through training, consulting services, workshops, seminars, and online platforms.
Mrs. Smith is the founder and Chief Executive Officer of the Network of Women Business Owners, a professional business network established in 2014 in Gulfport, Mississippi. Victoriyah resides in Gulfport, Mississippi, with her husband, Willie, and her (4) children and grandchildren live in Texas. She is available to conduct speeches and facilitate professional development training for professional women groups, organizations, and empowerment business events.
The PBS Blog 