Title: In Search of a Salve: Memoir of a Sex Addict
Author: KE Garland
Publisher: New Reads Publications
Published: September 26, 2023
Pages: 326
“I was nine years old when I figured out that if I squeezed my legs together hard enough, it would create the most electrifying pulsation, in the general area my mother, her mother, and her mother called our “killa cricket.”
-KE Garland
In Search of a Salve snatches us into the author’s world with the rawness of a Sister Souljah book. Like Winter Santiaga, KE Garland has no sugarcoated, watered-down stories to tell you.
Unlike Winter, Kathy’s story is no fairytale.
The author takes us through the series of tragic incidents that led to her preoccupation with sex, including child-on-child molestation, car accidents, and the death of her adoptive mother. Garland expertly reveals how she utilized sex as a salve for a wound she wasn’t completely aware even existed, leading her down a path of multiple sex partners and abortions.
However, don’t assume this book is about the author’s naughty antics. This memoir stands out because it doesn’t only list regrettable events and bad decisions. What’s important is the linkages between how trauma impacts the body, permeates the mind, and results in addiction.
“I didn’t cheat because I had a vanilla sex life. I cheated to escape the discomfort of trauma.”
-KE Garland
We learn how cognitive therapy helped the author to pay more attention to her thinking and the meaning of key terms like exhibitionism or the urge to show yourself to others in public. These explanations helped me better understand the author’s actions beyond the physical, such as the disconnect that exists when the mother-child bond is broken early in life, resulting in a dysregulated nervous system.
“No oxytocin. No emotional bonding. No maternal attachment. Emotionally dysregulated….I began life, like most babies, listening for the sound of my mother’s voice and never found it, and I’d never stop longing for her.”
-KE Garland
This book prompted me to have more compassion for the lived experiences of people who struggle with addictions that society has deemed as nothing more than an immoral decision, but that is much more layered. As Garland searched for a salve, I, too, discovered insight into questions about my own trauma, belonging, and motherhood.
“I was motherless and it hurt whenever I didn’t have one to show up for me.”
-KE Garland
KE Garland courageously uses her story as a catalyst for further instruction about not only sex addiction but addiction in general.
In Search of a Salve will break your heart, pierce your soul, and then soothe you with knowledge about sex, trauma, despair, and the root of these behaviors beyond poor life decisions.
Yecheilyah’s Book Reviews is a reputable review service that features writers from all over the world, both traditionally and independently published. We are listed on Kindlepreneur as a top-tier book review blog and Reedsy as one of their vetted active book blogs that provide insightful, excellent book reviews.
There are a few books I come back to a few times a year to savor their wisdom and life lessons. Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Tabitha Brown’s Feeding the Soul, and Vivica A. Fox’s Everyday I’m Hustling are a few.
I met Miss Fox at her 2018 book signing. I am Soul had passed the review board the same year and was approved to be in the same store. We were in the same space, our books on the shelves of Nia Damali’s (aka Mama Nia’s) Medu Bookstore at the Greenbriar Mall in Atlanta.
With Soul Food and Set It Off being two of my favorite movies, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to say hi. What I enjoyed most is Fox personality is the same as you see in public and the same voice you read about in her book. She is down to earth, funny, and wants to know how a girl from Chicago ended up with a name like Yecheilyah.
Everyday I’m Hustling is part memoir, part self-help, and part recipe book. It is filled with life experiences of Fox’s upbringing in Indiana, her acting career, strategies and business advice, and some tea on her relationship with Curtis “50 Cent,” Jackson.
Reading this book feels like sitting down with your Aunt and listening to her tell you life stories while giving advice. “Success does not guarantee the absence of getting your ass kicked,” she says while stirring a pot of Sug’s Crock-Pot Black-Eyed Peas. In true elder fashion, she deviates from the story to give cooking lessons.
You’ll roll your eyes in your head, wanting her to come back to the story. Her recipe pauses are your least favorite part, but then she’ll start talking about bonding with Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and Kimberly Elise off-camera during the Set It Off filming and bring you back. You’ll learn fun tidbits, such as how the line “You didn’t even bother to ask me if I was thirsty, sister,” was an adlib Fox asked to be in the film. She says she wanted there to be at least one sister-to-sister moment.
Some of my favorite quotes from the book:
“Don’t let anybody dim the shine of your accomplishments. If they’re not paying your bills, why in the hell would they validate your worth?”
“Don’t overpay to play.”
“You can’t get typecast in life. There is a shelf life for certain chapters in your life. If you learn how to go into each chapter gracefully, then you can extend the longevity of your career.”
“Don’t point out the slips that only you know you made.”
I love this one! It reminds me of what Mr. Tolson (Denzel Washington) said in the movie The Great Debaters (another one of my favorites) when one of his students talked badly about himself. “Would you punch yourself in a street fight” The boy frowns, “No.” Then don’t punch yourself in a word fight,” says Denzel.
You don’t have to constantly bring up your flaws to be seen as valuable. You were born worthy. Stop pointing out slips (flaws) no one knows exist but you.
“I always tell people to educate themselves with real experience.”
“When you are working with someone, you are cobranding, so you have to look at the visibility of that brand.”
This is a good gem since collaboration is a popular word today. It is not wise to collaborate with just anyone. There must be something in it for you too. Does the person or company share your mission, purpose, and goal? Do they have the visibility and connections to help you like you are helping them? It’s a lot of people who just want to look important, but when you investigate further you see they can’t really do anything for you.
“Pitch your niche. It’s not bragging, it’s establishing your credibility.”
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Stay tuned for our next dope read!
Yecheilyah’s Book Reviews is a reputable review service that features writers from all over the world, both traditionally and independently published. We are listed on Kindlepreneur as a top-tier book review blog and Reedsy as one of their vetted active book blogs that provide insightful, excellent book reviews.
I posted this message to my IG this morning and I thought I would post it here as well. I have added more bullet points after realizing how much this also applies to Indie Authors and our writing careers as well as real life advice.
Don’t go broke to sit at someone else’s table. Make sure that what you put your money into is worth the investment and not something you are doing to be seen. If you’ve ever observed me in person, you’ll notice I am quiet and laid back. I am not there to see what I can get. I am there to listen, to learn, and to connect so that when I go home, I can implement and apply. The other obvious meaning is, make sure your immediate needs are met before you play. Are your bills paid? Is your family fed? What can you realistically afford? I know social media has made entrepreneurship look glamorous but in real life people have day jobs and responsibilities. People are not winning everyday. Don’t be out here trying to prove a point. Take care of the most important things first.
“Don’t overpay to play,” also means to me not to overcompensate in the efforts to prove to people who you are. Sometimes I do this. I have a good heart. This is what I know about myself to be true and there’s nothing worse than people not seeing that. What I’ve realized, though, is that I can’t control how other people see me and I can’t “overpay to play” with them. People will see different versions of you depending on who they are, how they feel about themselves, and their philosophy in life. If you try too hard to prove you are a good person it will only come across as fake. Just be who you are, do what you do, and let the chips fall where they may. I also think it’s just as important to realize that we all have traits about us that are not positive. This is important. A person who understands both his strengths and weaknesses is a strong person. A person who can identify his weaknesses without pointing out the weaknesses of others is a stronger person. Realize that you are not 100% together and that people don’t have to like you.
New Indie Authors, don’t overpay someone to publish your book just because you’re desperate to see it in print. Overpaying could mean a different price depending on each individual’s budget but anything over the $5,000 point is steep. Don’t overpay to play author. While I am not a Traditional Publisher, the traditional publishing route is still a good option if you want the traditional publicity. While many Self-Publishers have gone on to have movies made from their books and have made millions from their books, there are many aspiring authors who are looking to be published traditionally but are not patient enough to go through the process. As a result, they overpay small Indie Publishers to do for them what they could have probably done for themselves. For example, don’t fall for someone promising to make you an Amazon Best Seller. To non-writers, family, and friends it may seem like a big deal and while commendable (I would never downplay anyone’s hard work), it’s not exactly the same as being a New York Times Bestseller. Amazon’s rankings are controlled by algorithms. In other words, computers. Any spike in sells (even if it’s just 5 books sold) can shoot a book ranking up. Sometimes all it takes to be an Amazon Best Seller is to sell 10 copies of your book on the same day. It’s not the same as outselling all the other books in your genre. I’m sorry but it’s the truth and this deception is not only bringing down the value of being a true Best Seller, but is starting to become a red flag to those who actually know how the system works. I applaud anyone who has become a #1 Amazon Best Seller but I caution you not to pay for it. You can become an Amazon Best Seller on your own. It’s not worth $5,000.
This advice reminds me of the importance of boundaries, limits to where I’ll go. There must be a line that reminds you of your integrity, where you are not willing to go, no matter the circumstances or the price tag because your moral compass will not allow you to. “Don’t overpay to play,” also means to me, “remember your worth.” If you don’t have this mental limit in your mind you will sell out in whatever way it means to sell out. Boundaries go far beyond personal limitations but extend to our livelihoods as well.
LOS ANGELES, CA – (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images for BET)
Vivica Fox told the story of being on the set of Booty Call. She said that she tried to take a couple naps between scenes except Jamie Foxx kept playing the piano. Being the outspoken person that she is, Vivica was not having it.
“…it was hard to be his dressing room neighbor for a few weeks…he had a piano in there, and he would just play it all the time, singing his pretty heart out!”
Vivica went out and screamed to Jamie to, “stop playing that damn piano!”
Let me give you some background information before we continue this story.
I decided about a year ago that I was not going to limit myself and that I was going to step outside of my comfort zone. This was not an easy decision. I am an extremely shy person who overthinks everything. Whatever I share online, do believe I’ve gone over it repeatedly and have examined every possible outcome. (I am learning to be less anxious however and more centered and balanced.) Anyway, I decided I was tired of reading about what I needed to do to be a better writer. I wanted to “hear it from the horse’s mouth.” Tired of writerly commandments that got me nowhere, I wanted to act. I needed to act. I decided that acting was the only true way of knowing.
So, fed up with my own lack of action, I logged off my computer last year and went around to bookstores, talked with businessmen and ask the questions I’d always been afraid to ask, armed with business cards (side note: No, I don’t recommend giving your business card out like it’s candy. Most people just throw them away. These are facts.) and sample books. This weekend, I ended up at A Cappella Books, a small Independent Bookstore in Atlanta. I spoke to a man there who gave me some advice.
“Get your name out there because even if you’re in the store, if you aren’t a household name people won’t find you,” he said, spreading his arms to insinuate the rest of his thoughts, which didn’t have to be said: you are a nobody so people won’t be able to find your book among all these books by well-known authors.
Now, ya’ll know I gotta be honest. At first, I was offended. Household name? I thought. Who the hell cares? So I’m not worthy?
“Are you going to the Decatur Festival?” he continued. Interrupting my thoughts about how I didn’t like him.
“Yes.”
“Good. That’s a good place to start. I get a lot of {Indie}authors coming in and calling but if people don’t know you…”
“I understand.”
I left the store, still offended but the blow was softened by the confirmation that I’d made the right decision to attend the Decatur event. It was the third time someone had mentioned it to me and I am big on spiritual confirmations. I believe that what’s meant for me will often be confirmed through others. (The first time I heard of the Festival was at the Atlanta African American Book Festival. An older man had bought two of my books and asked me if I was attending the Decatur Book Festival. “That’s where you need to be,” he had said. The second time was when speaking with my academic advisor. I told her I was going to a book festival and she brought up Decatur.)
After marinating on the man’s words, tasting them, digesting them, I wasn’t offended anymore, and I realized that he’d just given me lots of wisdom. It was deeper than selling in a store. He was telling me that as an author I needed to build relationships with others if I intended to sell books. He was telling me, without telling me, that familiarity sells books so I needed to network and give people a chance to get to know me first.
For online this is social media but offline this is events, book signings, meet and greets, lunch and dinner meetings. (side note: think big….introduce yourself to the person running the show…speak with owners and coordinators…also, with social media, don’t feel obligated to be everywhere…go where your audience is or where people have shown they care. I don’t do much on my personal Facebook page and I really just started posting regularly on my business Facebook page. Why? I don’t have anything personal against Facebook but if I see something is not providing value I am not the kind of person to want to keep doing it….if something is not working then I need to get a new something, not force it to work. If I see that the people on my personal page aren’t interested then I am not going to keep bothering them…I am going to go where I am valued and where the people have shown they are interested in what I have to offer. For me that is Twitter and IG so I post to these accounts the most without feeling guilty about not posting the same thing to Facebook.)
Back to the guy…
I knew what he was saying was truth and have known it for years but hearing it from him directly made it more real and helped me to understand how to better sell the books I have on the shelves of the other two stores in Georgia. People must know who I am in order to walk in and request my book. I needed to work harder to build awareness.
This point was further validated (confirmed) when I saw a post by Mixtus Media:
“Even if you’re an introvert,” the caption read, “you need to connect with people to sell your book…I know it’s intimidating to put yourself out there on social media–especially for introverts. I know because I am one! But in order for your book to see success, you have to do it.”
I know now, exactly what is needed for me to take my career to the next level.
Now, let’s get back to the story.
When Vivica screamed at Jamie to stop playing, she didn’t know at the time that he would later win an Academy Award for Best Actor, BAFTA Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, and a Golden Globe Award for Best Actor – Motion Picture Musical or Comedy all for playing the piano, among other things, in his portrayal of Ray Charles in the movie Ray.
What you do tomorrow is determined by what you do today. You think Jamie Foxx decided to play the piano when he found out he was gonna play Ray Charles? No. Jamie Foxx had been playing the piano since he was five years old (back when he was still Eric) and the practice helped him later in life to do something he probably didn’t even know that he would ever do.
Vivica A. Fox Book Signing, 7/22
Whether you write, sing, dance, act, teach or swim, play your piano. In other words, prepare and do what is necessary today even if you don’t understand why you must do it. You have to be ready when the time comes and not trying to get ready.
Being an Independent Author doesn’t mean you should not listen to people who are trying to educate you about improving your craft. As Vivica puts it, “when you receive constructive criticism and it helps you deliver, you have to acknowledge it.”
Vivica had another story. This one about a woman she met who wanted to be an actor. The woman was concerned that she was too old. She had gotten a head-shot and everything and wanted Ms. Fox’s advice.
“Well, you can’t stand by the pool,” Vivica told her, “you have to get in.”
Vivica explained that the work is not just what’s on screen. I think this can apply to those of us in this digital era. The work is not just what’s on screen! On Facebook, on Twitter, on IG, on the blog. The work is constant and much of it takes place behind the scenes.
“I so appreciate that (name) put time into studying,” Vivica continues, “but I always tell people to educate themselves with real experience.”
Ms. Fox is right. Five or ten years from now you may find that the work you put in was preparing you for that one moment.
Additionally, don’t wait for someone you think is more important than you to make the decision of who you are gonna be. I got offended by the man’s words (at first) because I’ve never been a “star struck” kind of person. I cheer for everyone and give everyone the same level of respect, honoring each of our sacrifices and contributions regardless of position. These authors are people like I’m a person. They aren’t better than me and I am not better than them. They just started earlier.
This isn’t about bragging but as a wise person once said, “you will have a very hard time running a successful business with low self-esteem.” You can be humble and confident in your ability to deliver at the same time. You are not better than anyone (humility) but you have to know what sets you apart from the rest (confident). I struggle with being timid and unsure too but it’s something I am learning (quickly) I’d need to get over to take it to the next level.
If you want to be successful at anything you must see yourself as such already. Before I married I knew that I needed to become a wife before I actually was. Jamie Foxx didn’t become a pianist when people started to recognize him as such. He always was. Just like you already are. Everything you strive to be, YOU ALREADY ARE. Act accordingly.
Don’t forget to join me tomorrow for the start of the I am Soul Blog Tour! I will be visiting a total of 10 blogs over the course of the next few months and introducing some of my poetry. Be sure you are following these blogs by clicking HERE. You don’t want to miss it!
The PBS Blog 