“Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart…This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must,” then build your life in accordance with this necessity..”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
The sun had not completely set on my first night away before I was flooded with post and story ideas. And by the time the sky was overspread with blackness and poured into my bedroom, I’d written two poems already. To what do I owe this sudden flood of inspiration? I suppose it’s because a relaxed mind is a creative mind, or so they say. But in my reflection, I’ve had a lot of time to think and have come to the conclusion that there is some truth to that saying; separation from the online scene does tend to resurrect a kind of motivation lost during the constant interaction online. Personally, the desire to force a thought on top white paper seems to ring too loudly when I want to write, or rather feel I have to as opposed to when I’m just living life. The anxious stroke of the pen, or the thrashing keyboard always comes in that moment when you’re consciously aware that you must scribble something into existence. You thus search desperately for something to spark a flame, something to satisfy this urge but pushing always pulls away. The more you push a thought, try as you must to force a post, the more ideas slip from your fingers like liquid desperation.
It is at this point that the mind needs to be set aside for a while. To separate, to relax, and to calm from the influx of emails, WordPress Readers, and advice on how we should transfer our thoughts on to the page or rather, the screen. This tends to, for me, bring to life a sudden rush of creativity. Where thoughts have been left to grow and to mature before hitting the spotlight. To give my thoughts a chance to breathe and to exist, all neatly wrapped and stored into this place inaccessible among the crowd but dancing in a place called solitude. Even this post for instance, came easy, smooth and without effort. There was no question or debate or concern about what it would be like. It just existed and I let it be. Just a coming forth of thoughts I’d written down while sitting on my bed and yet not at all there. Somewhere uninterrupted by the perspective of others, whose words do tend to spark great creativity, but whose birth is not as beautiful as the new born torn from my own flesh. Words that come untainted and unscathed by opinion. Nothing but pure inspiration come from my own head, smack down in the midst of the quite.
If you cannot acknowledge changes you need to make in your own life, you cannot demand change to take place in the life of others. If you cannot recognize progression in your own life, you will not recognize progression in the life of others. So (inspired by poet Rudy Francisco), I have put together this list, a letter of sorts to myself. It’s not exactly a poem (yet), but if I had to tell myself about myself, this is the list of 10 things I would advise myself:
• Dear Mind, you’re beautiful. It’s OK to let down some of these walls.
• Dear Hair, we’ve been through a lot together and honestly you used to get on my nerves, but I finally appreciate you, the most beautiful ropes I’ve ever seen.
• Dear Eyes, stop limiting yourself and see beyond what you can see.
• Dear Ears, pay attention. Not with the intent to reply, but with the intent to understand.
• Dear Heart, you dictate my life that much is clear, but like seriously, control yourself.
• Dear Emotions, you take things way too seriously and store them far too deep.
• Dear Hands, the storage place for my thoughts; honestly I like you more than the others.
• Dear Mouth, learn to open in your season and not a moment before or after that.
• Dear Legs, don’t be afraid to lead.
• Dear Faith, you got roots, but the mountains are still waiting for you to move them. Keep growing.
“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”
– Henry David Thoreau
“The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.”
– Eric Hoffer
As presented by Ben Huberman’s Good Tidings:
“Present-day you meets 10-years ago you for coffee. Share with your younger self the most challenging thing, the most rewarding thing, and the most fun thing they have to look forward to.”
Our life is quite busy, so I won’t take up too much of your time; especially since we don’t live in Chicago anymore. Let me start by congratulating you on the birth of your nephew. He will not be the only one, but pay attention to this one. He will grow to be a wonderful boy, and come to value your relationship. In his words, “Your my favorite Aunt”. Since you don’t officially drink coffee yet I have taken the liberty of ordering you hot chocolate, but some day you will work with lots of children and become addicted to caffeine. Don’t laugh, I’m serious. But let me cut to the chase here.
We have a lot of work ahead of us. Some days will be easy, some days will be difficult, and some days you will question whether or not you have what it takes to go on. A year from now, you will meet a very funny young man. He will give you what you need in that time and you will love him. It will begin with a fight, and your bond will be built on that foundation but do not get too attached—he will not be the one you will marry. I must warn you, that his heart will melt for you and his love will be stronger than yours. Do not depend on this love however; it is not the one for you. It will end almost abruptly, and you will be sad. In fact, one of the most challenging things you have to look forward to is that your life will end shortly. Don’t look at me like that, I know, you have not attended prom, and High School graduation has not reached you. However, your death is not a physical one, but the life that you live today will soon come to an end. Nothing will be the same. Nothing will be as you imagine it will be. You will not go on to own a big house, you will not be a famous writer, and you will not attend Clark Atlanta University. The way of life you’re used to will vanish with the speed of light.
But you will be, in a sense, reborn.
In just a few short years, you will hear a voice. I need you to stop fingering the strings of your micro braids right now because this part is important. Which, by the way, that’s another thing I’m afraid I must tell you. Our hair has been in dred locs for five years now. But in any event, you will hear a voice. No matter what takes place around you I need you to follow that voice. Pay no attention to the emotions stirring inside of you, and pay no mind to what people tell you. This change in lifestyle will be the most challenging, yet the most rewarding, part of your life. So ignore the criticisms as if escaping a plague. Do nothing opposite of what the voice tells you. In return it will lead you into knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. You will look at the world with new eyes and will find a profound sense of serenity because of it. In short, you will find truth, and in such you will find freedom.
But you will not be alone.
You will soon meet the man who will become your husband. I warn you that your meeting will not be a planned one, but it will be fun. Encompassed in this individual will be everything that you’re currently dreaming that he will be but at the same time nothing you can ever imagine. You will travel together and see places you never thought you would see. Florida, Jamaica, Cozumel pick a place, chances are you’ve been there. You will live on 40 acres of land in a two bedroom house, you will have animals, two beautiful daughters and you will be surrounded with love. Fun is an understatement to the kind of joy you will experience. But your life will have to end first, and you will have to undergo many challenges. He will be there though, just as unexpected and sudden as love itself, he will be there.
I hate to be cliche, but you will know of him the moment you meet him, so do not search for him now. Though he searches for you, longing for the day to which he may meet his wife, even deciding to attend school in search of her, he is looking for you now, but you must not look for him. Instead he will come to you and you will know it is him. And when it is time, you will love him more than you’ve ever loved any man, and he will cherish our heart as if come from his own flesh. The things coming your way will not be easy, they will be very hard, but you will have him and together you will carry the strength of one man.
*I look down at the watch our husband has given us.*
I’m afraid my time is up. Do not underestimate the tiny voice in your head. Listen to it, and wear it’s discernment like a sacred garment. And may you go on to make the decisions you have already made.
“Wait”, says annoyed 17 year old me. “But I’m not gonna be a writer?? It’s like what’s the point?”
Smiling, I decide to get up from the chair and walk to the door, pausing, I turn to face my own reflection, “No. I said you won’t be a famous writer.”
Have you ever sat still just to reflect, to meditate, or to put things into perspective? Do you remember how you felt after you did that? Did this bring you peace? Depression? How does reflection affect you?
It’s a good idea to seek to understand more about yourself sometimes. We live in a world that is so occupied with trying to figure out why others are doing what they’re doing and why we should care that we seldom have time for ourselves. I don’t mean time for ourselves in the selfish sense of the word because if you can’t figure how to help someone else, have you actually succeeded in life? Aside from money, family and friends have you helped someone today? So, not selfishly, but reflectively, how often do we preserve time for ourselves? What is it about you, that makes you, you? What is it that you would like to change about yourself? How can you as the individual use your gifts to help better the world? Do you even care about such things? And you can be honest; it’s just you and life right now. Being true to yourself and being able to recognize those things about you can give way to great peace. If a homeless man thought he was a rich man, he will never fully function until he realizes the truth. He will not be able to take his rightful place until he realizes he is out of his place. The foundation of truth is rooted primarily in a people’s ability to know who they are. It is an identity that gives way to the substance in our lives. It is what we live for and what we die for. It is the struggle to appreciate our part in the world and to appreciate others and how their contribution is interconnected with our own.
So today, do not worry about how others see you, how many mistakes you made, or even how great you are, just reflect. What is it in your life that you need to change for the betterment? What is it that you can improve on? Think about these things without adding anyone else into the equation. Like I said, this is just you and life right now. Nothing else in the world matters at this moment.
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